haha, i really don't want this blog to be my emo spot lor. REJOICE! okay anyways, here's what's on my mind today. well some of the things anyways..
sometimes i find it really hard to be selfless. oh scrap the sometimes, i always find it hard. when it's something that will affect me for the day, fine la.. but what if it's something that will affect me for a long time? what if it messes up the plans i had for myself? grr.. but i guess, at the end of the day i must realize that this life shouldn't be lived for me and about me only. my life should be about others and more importantly God. lately i really began to see that God has a plan. i mean we say it often enough but i recently realized, that everything is in His great plan for us! Jeremiah 29:11 says " For I know the plans I have for you, plans of peace and not of evil, plans to give you a hope and a future." so maybe i would rather mum keep sending me to college next year instead of sitting the bus cause it would really restrict my freedom. Maybe, that's in God's plan for me, that in sitting the bus, there are people He wants me to minister to and fellowship with. maybe there's someone special for me to meet there. so, maybe things aren't going well with me and this problem comes along. Probably, God wants me to endure it and count of Him that i might help someone else who goes through the same thing next time. i read the verse that spoke on this recently but i can't remember it.. grr, will try to remember! But if we have that kind of submissive mindset, wouldn't we trust our Lord all the more? when i realize that, i feel so safe and loved and thought of. Like God really did put effort into planning my life, not just saying," ah simply la.. just take life no.9983764 and modify a bit." no, i am certain that our great God cares, and loves so deeply. each step we take is in His plan, each hair on our head numbered. like wow right? my conclusion? He created us unique, more unique than ever. and even though we fall short every single day, he loves us unendingly, selflessly, and sacrificially each and every day.
argh.. i'm very annoyed cause i can't remember what verse is the one that says " something look to the right and the left, you will hear a voice saying this is the way, walk in it." and i have to go already.. gotta stop being selfish..
but what i still wanted to talk about was how i tend to have selfish moments where i really just curl up and emo about how people have so much more opportunities than i do. like how i'm stuck here when others are enjoying a day out. and then today i started to journal and write down a long prayer about how i was feeling and for my friends and family and i felt better. like really better about my life somehow? it's not that everyone else's life was more horrible but just somehow, i wasn't feeling so selfish anymore.
and then i reach a point where i wonder, God why do you bless me so abundantly? i really don't get it. not to be boastful but God's given me talents, a nice and stable home, good grades, great friends and really the hardships in my life are nothing compared to what other people go through. and i really can't help but ask why? why God am i so richly blessed when a child is dying of hunger and AIDS somewhere out there? when the little boy yearns to study but can't because he is neck deep in poverty? when the man sitting on the side of the road has just lost everyone he held dear to him? i feel unworthy of all God has given me. like really. and the textbook answer says, don't be sad, rejoice for your blessings and thank God for them. but it just doesn't feel enough to thank God, i wanna use my blessings, but i absolutely don't know how. and then i think, am i selfless enough to pray that someone else has my life instead of me, someone worse off, and mean it? it's a very scary thought. and i also wonder, if my comfort now means that i'll suffer in the future? maybe my dreams will all fail? sigh, it's so complicated! i can't stand to have everything go right in my life but i don't want it to crumble in pieces either, for i don't know if i can stand then. sure, there are moments of pain in my life too, but it's just nothing, compared to what some people i know are struggling through. what now?
so i guess my question now is, "Lord, what do You want me to do next? where would you want me to go? What, is Your plan, Your purpose for my life?"
Proverbs 3:5-6 says " Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."
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