such a mess

when will you trust me to make my own decisions?

i'm messed up la really.. i want to do the right thing but what does it mean to really do the right thing? it's easy when it's giving to the poor or volunteering at the hospital, but when it comes to loving the rejected, doing chores i absolutely hate instead of having fun with friends, skipping the movie to mow the lawn or even just not fighting back when i get scolded for nothing. it's tough la. lately i feel the want to be selfish so much more. to have fun, do things my way, not accept unnecessary work or scolding. but when i do resort to that lower path, that guilt, the conviction, it sets in. and eats me up.

so i can't have fun without squirming, knowing i should be doing something else, knowing i hurt someone. as tempting as it is, i am not someone who can drop my feelings just like that. i suffer through the guilt everytime. and i realized, that it is ALWAYS better to be the one suffering(not so extreme word la but still...) than the one making other people suffer. Maybe it's hard now, but i guess when it becomes a habit, we will start to find joy in these things we do, rather than the meaningless movies or games. maybe, we'll find meaning in our lives and discover what is really means to be good, what it really means to do the right thing. just hang in there. be the good guy, sooner or later it pays off.

i am not the person i want to be yet. so often i struggle between doing what is right and doing what is fun. i know that as i mature, i have to realize, life is about serving others, not myself. and even if some people don't see what you're doing, remember that's integrity. integrity is what a man does when he thinks no one is watching. yet, take comfort in knowing that God is always watching. and He knows what you're going through. always.

writing here gives me some sort of peace, like i'm letting out some stuff i've never really bothered to say out. and it feels good. i get angry sometimes quite easily, probably when pms la, but i allways realize that i can't be angry at whoever i'm angry at because it's not their fault/ they have a valid excuse/ it is my fault etc. and i end up being angry at me for not being perfect enough to handle it all. but for now, i'm not angry anymore. i think i really need to lift this up to God and ask for His healing.. yea..

God bless you! i'm out for now!