first off i went for MADU and yea i yawned alot, sorry! but i had a good time and it's always so sweet to have kids all over you, holding your hand and hugging your legs and trying to get carried by you. and i think about how much love they need and it's just so sad. one new child i befriended today- Noriza, she's 7 i think. she was really happy in the beginning and then when we started drawing in our journals, she wrote on an empty page, "dalam hati, adah ibunya, adah anaknya, mak." and it was a pretty strange unclear message, but after that she was just so sad, and wouldn't smile. i felt so heartbroken cause i think she missed her mom. and she said to me softly, "kak, tolong koyakkan." so i said ok and tore the page out. but i was drawn to it, and well, i kept it. not in a weird stalker way k, but in a speechless way. i realized then, you didn't have to be on your deathbed to understand pain, or 50 and married for ages, or even 17. you could be 7 and already know what pain was. and that was such a sad thought and i mean here was this beautiful child who deserved so much love, and she just didn't get that love that she yearned for, that she needed. and so i wrote something encouraging in her journal, hoping it'll make her feel better.
then i saw her biodata, and her ambition was to be a doctor. and mine was too, and she said, "kak, cita-cita kita sama!" and omg, my heart like broke for that little girl again. i remembered thinking, i'm quite close to reaching my ambition, i mean there is a pretty good chance i can get into med school somewhere, and my dad keeps telling me i can go to wherever i want that i can get accepted to. but this amazing little girl? i don't think she'll have the same chances as i do. and i wanted to tell her to dream big, to work hard, but i didn't have the faith to believe in something so big and as much as i wanted to, i couldn't. cause i was scared it wouldn't happen. sigh stupid girl, i should have said something more. i should have had more faith.
and while i was there, i saw this paper on the wall, it was statistics of babies thrown away- 'kes buang bayi'. and from jan to march this year, 18 babies were thrown away by their parents. last year or the year b4 that, 58 babies were thrown away. and i stood there thinking, how bad must circumstances be that parents could throw away their babies? in my 19 year old sister in law(korean drama), the girl was thrown away as a child and this nice couple with a son adopted her. and the boy was younger than her and had kidney problems. and she always says that she wants to ask the person who dumped her one day,'if i can take care of a brother who has no blood relation to me even though life is hard, why can't you have taken care of me, your own child?' something more emotional la, but it holds so much meaning, in the sense that some people just give up too easy, and it's a funny thought, that maybe if the parent and child's lives were reversed, that maybe the child's spirit in the parent's role would not have done the same thing, even under the craziest circumstances. cause maybe that's what it means to have strength, to disregard pain and tiredness and circumstances and say with fierce determination that this is my child, i'm gonna take care of her/him.
strength isn't about feelings, it's about actions. it's running the marathon even when you lungs burn. it's shooting the bulls eye no matter how many tries it takes and not giving up when muscles become sore. it's about not giving up, and perseverance and it's when the people fighting you have beaten you bloody and bruised and broken every bone in your body, and you still refuse to stop fighting. because what you're fighting for, is so worth it. so let's all find strength to do things that need to be done today. to love souls that need to be loved. and to listen to those that need to speak.
but yea, i thought about her a lot on the way back, and the other children there. then i fell asleep and forgot my feelings and had to rush to the post-musical partay! lucky i met amanda and a lot more other ppl in coll, so they fetched me there instead of me having to trouble mrs sharon and her adorable son mel. and yea, the party was fun. we played futsal and swam. terrible people threw me in the pool twice! i think it was revenge for all the times i kicked people and made too much noise and yea.. sigh, the pics are all in benny, gotta wait till frank uploads em all. but i had a good time and today i realized that i am very blessed to be surrounded by incredible people with good hearts. really, everyone's amazing. and i love you all so much! =D
oh an ps, i'm in run for the nation! but with people i absolutely do not know, so far one guy's from River Life Church in puchong, and another lady from DUMC and two other females, no idea about details. when i first saw the list, i completely freaked out. who are these people, so weird! and gahhhhhhh... but then, i started to see it as an adventure! these are God-fearing people, so i'm in safe hands, and it's a chance to meet new people and be united in a common purpose, and that is to pray for our nation. =)
*updated 9 May 2010: phew, i managed to pujuk Philip into running 'illegally' with me and my team! not so scary anymore. haha, somemore i found out today we running in Bangi wey, where he apparently stays but it's crazy far from where i stay! still, gotta have faith that God will make a way for me to get there! and yea, gotta train sometime this week, if not there's no way i'm gonna survive 5km!=P but i'm excited!*
with lol,
candice.
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