today was a very 'confuzzling' day as my sister likes to say. haha, since the last time i blogged so much has happenned, there's still so much i have to say (haha, i am getting sick of my own voice, i think i do talk too much!) but i mean type la.
well i had exams last week, thursday and friday has out-tengs with the teng family and my sister, saturday wa run for the nation, cg and agc meeting and today we had an amazing missions sunday for service and abc/agc meeting (camp is in 4 days omg!) then james, sarah, ben, me and ian went to parade for lunch/shopping for agc but we didn't get anything in the end la. so it's been a busy week and i feel so bad for being home so little, and haha i'm a mess la now. there's been so many things on my mind, lots of random thoughts and real thoughts but i'm just too exhausted to dig them out now again. it's quite funny i realized, how loud and crazy and completely annoying i can be so often yet when left alone, or even in the midst of people i can just drown in my thoughts again. i've been thinking so much about life and its purpose, people, living, God and sigh, hahahah sorry for this compeltely messy post. i wanna say what's on my mind but i know that if i do, it's gonna be a crazy long post.
oh and daly and samuel are going to america too! i'm happy for them, i believe they'll have a better life there but man i'm gonna miss them so much. will i really have to watch one by one of them leave me? oh i mean i do hope they get the chance but imagining her especially (as corny as it sounds) grow up into a young woman one day makes me feel so amazed yet sad that i won't be there to see them become amazing people. these kids really have such a special place in my hearts and they are such beautiful children. and i can't believe that this is life. i can't believe i have such amazing people like moses, daly and samuel come into my life and then leave it, with very little chance of us ever meeting again. even if i saved up enough to go to america to see em one day, i have no idea where they are. and suddenly thinking bout this now, i wonder if i should stay next year. i don't want to be the person that leaves them, but maybe i need them more than they need me. haihz but anyways, i just have such a strong belief in me that God will send me where He wants me to go, be it UNSW, Monash, Melb uni or IMU. and to be able to believe like that means the world to me, especially when my friends are worrying about where to go, i feel worried too but there's a peace within me, because i know with all my heart that God has a plan for me. =)
today's service really impacted me, and not just in a normal way, but in an unexplainable spiritual way too. i was really touched by how julie came up to me after service when i was emoing and she said, "you have a heart for missions is it?" while she was hugging me. today the speaker was talking about people he has encountered in missions, children and just ordinary yet incredible people. he talked about children of prostitutes in Kolkota when he went there, and how he met them and they were so unbitter about life and despite all that's going on around them, all the desperation, despair, evil in that sense around them, they are still so happy and they are such beautiful children really.
a million thoughts ran through my head while watching the video he played and i was just so affected by how much more i am blessed with than them. these are kids living with AIDS and i get worried over a small hand infection i got. they have to live in that alley with all the brothels around them yet they live life so innocently and with so much hope. from what the speaker said and from the videos, the way they live with so much hope can be seen and it's so heartbreakingly beautiful, how even in the midst of so much brokenness, they can dare to hope while me in my ordinary life cannot dare to hope for others, so afraid of being disappointed. and i kept thinking about how in pyramid on thursday, wen shi told me to be careful walking back to the mall after collecting my stuff from his car, cause pyramid's not safe for girls la and it was quite freaky when the lift opened and it was full of grown men. but there, there are girls as young as 9 year olds being sold into prostitution. i know life is unfair, but where do i stand in the midst of this brokenness? why is it that i feel for them so much but can only do so little now? the speaker brought this sari cloth with all the children's handprints on it and placing my hand on it today just made me overcome with emotion again. i am halfway around the world from these kids, and the worst part is i know that i'm gonna go back to a nice house or out with great friends, and just forget the feeling again, forget the plight of these people a million miles away. but really how is it that i can sleep knowing someone out there is being forced into prostitution while i am here laughing or watching tv? or that someone is dying from AIDS alone? basically how i feel can be summed up into one word, completely utterly useless. and i hate that, i hate that i cannot save them. sigh.
learning to hope,
candice.
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