today in evening service, during praise and worship, i was imagining(i dunno if this this is a vision, cause it was kinda simple and imaginative of me?) God holding me the way i held the kids at the orphanage, with my arms on their shoulder and my hands together. then i imagined that God holding me was very tall, like cannot see His head cause He's that tall and that mighty. and then He just shrank and became my size, a normal man. and He said, "i made my choice." and i was like wahhhh... this just reminded me once again how truly glorious and kind and sacrificial God is. He chose to walk amongst men although He probably had the coolest wings in heaven. and it made me think, what is my choice today? do i choose to follow Christ, NO MATTER THE COST? and as much as i desire to say yes, i am so afraid of disappointing God and myself again. i make mistakes so often and i just don't want to be yet another failure. but really at the right time in my life right now, jasmine and rachel were super encouraging as they prayed for me yesterday and today. the words were exactly what i needed so desperately to hear, that God is not disappointed in me, but rather He's so proud. and that i am not a failure in His eyes, and His love for me truly is unending.
and i realized, God has a reason for putting me through what i'm going through. i believe that He believes that i will not only survive it, but beat it too, and come out doing far greater things than i ever imagined.
i went for my Monash MBBS interview yesterday. it was okay, don't think i did very well particularly but after the interview i felt this certainty from God that i was gonna get a place. but it's a really far fetched dream, according to the lady, usually only one student from sam gets a place every year at Monash Clayton. and so i'm finding it hard to really believe that, but i am brought again to "o ye of little faith, why did you doubt?" i've been reading james too, and there was a section all about doubt and how we shouldn't doubt. i guess i've just been disappointed so many times that, i'm trying to cut my losses. but then i found out i didn't get UNSW's MBBS interview. and i was upset a bit sure, but again i felt like it didn't matter, cause against all odds, it felt like Monash would offer me something despite how badly i think i did. if i was certain that this was God speaking to me, i would believe it in a heartbeat, but the thing is i'm not sure, if i'm just listening to my hopes beating too loud. but of this i am certain, that God has planned out my future and it is good, better even than i can imagine. :) thank You daddy God! :)
today i started my day with MADU, and visiting children i haven't seen in a while. i missed them so! i love how this is a continuous thing, that i get to become someone they know instead of just a visitor. but how do we all cope with parting then? i may be overestimating our group, but even Mr.Mike said today that our group was really connecting through to the kids and tearing down the barriers they put up and he was really impressed. i guess i'm just worried about them, what must it be like i wonder, to see people come and just when you were getting close, they leave? what must it be like to feel unloved, to need the touch of others so desperately? sigh, i really wanna go back even after MADU but i doubt i can, it's so far away! but though today was a bit tiring, i realized that there's no other way i'd choose to spend my saturday morning, with these beautiful children. :)
i realized how much meaning a touch has. it sounds weird i know, but i think especially these kids, they need a lot of hugs and hand holding and playing, it's how they understand affection. and this really moved me how they yearn for this touch so much, that when we come, they lie on our laps and hold our hands. and i like that feeling to, having a child who depended on you for that few minutes, who needed something that was such a pleasure to give. :) i ended up hugging them until they got sick of it.. :P sigh, i want a lot a lot of kids!!!! or to just keep working with children.. :)
hahah after that i went out with 4 and a 1/2 men, mich and pris to have lunch with ivan and went grocery shopping for our booth. had lots of fun!!! :) thanks again to kor and jie for fetching me around today! :)
very often i find myself battling with others when our ideas clash. i find it very upsetting when people don't share the same convictions i do, when our hearts do not go the same way. and i get frustrated and angry and so tired of fighting for what i know is right, but what others do not care about. they are not bad people, quite the contrary really, but as i said, they just don't share my convictions. and i'm learning, i really am trying to react better to this, to disappointment. to keep fighting for what is right, for what is good, for what i know can make a difference in the lives of others. and from jasmine's prayer for me today, i wonder if compassion is my spiritual gift, though it is a quality a gazillion people have, and i'm not boasting or anything, but i just think that maybe this is who God wants me to be, this is how He hard-wired me. and i guess, while getting the approval of others may be no easy task sometimes, at least i know who i want to be, and i know what i want to do in this life. :) thanks again God, for giving me this life, this real life that isn't all sunshine, but instead full of mountains to climb, journeys to travel and horizons to reach for. for only in such a life will Your true glory and strength show through me. God I love You so! :)
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
and it stood out to me, just like this. love is patient, so i will wait for the one God's set apart for me. :)
crystal shared this in evening service today and i found it really really meaningful.
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
- C.S.Lewis
honey i love you! ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment