i've been drawing further away from God lately. everytime that happens i become kinda emo all the time, and upset really. i start feeling all lonely and tired and lazy. today after everyone left, i went back to the bench outside SJMC. it's a nice bench, and i liked sitting there with my iPod listening to songs and just thinking. i haven't had much alone time lately, so it was really good for me today. as i was listening i thought, i should read my pocket Bible now. then while kinda debating it in my head i figured, why not? i could really use some advice from God. and i thought in my mind, what should i read? and the thought psalm 133 came to my head, like one three three. so i read it but it didn't offer me much for now. then i thought hmm, maybe psalm 13, like one three. haha, i know it sounds silly but it works quite often for me. and reading it, it felt quite timely and soothing in a sense. but what stood out to me so clearly is the line "but i trust in Your unfailing love." and that brought me peace and just security. sigh.. but God's really awesome, that His love is unending, despite everything that i do wrong. i love You Lord!! :)
hahah i just got off the phone with kitkat tan su-lin. she's awesome! :) i feel much better now. :D
so, we went for endoscopy today! it was pretty cool. haha, as usual i learnt some personal lessons too. for one, one of the doctors was really mean-spirited. first dowan to let us watch and made the patient change his mind too then halfway call us in to watch the procedure. really sarcastic too! when i asked what the white thingy in the dude's stomach was, cause he spoke so softly the first time that i couldn't hear him, he said it's a dog, a poodle. like duh! then the nurse whispered to me that it's an ulcer and stuff. she's nice. so after it's done we courteously said thank you and he went, didn't you read the paper yesterday? that Malaysia's gonna have an overflow of doctors in the next five years or something? so he said, there's not gonna be any jobs for us when we come out and then he walked away all smug and mighty. gah. i am a bit emo which caused me to be more irritated too i guess. after that i thought of a response to what he said. and i should have challenged him back. i should have spoken my mind fearlessly with respect, that unless every person in Malaysia, regardless of how rich they are and whether they can afford treatment, has access to a doctor that will treat them accordingly, then an overflow is just nonsense. an overflow would just mean a limited amount of high-paying doctor jobs. which is ridiculous.
i mean, i felt that most doctors in SJMC really are quite proud. well those i met la and i know i shouldn't be judging, but i'm not really, it's just how i perceived their attitudes towards us. they are the boss la but it's so discouraging to see so many people doing medicine for the money. two out of the three doctors we met at endoscopy today were oblivious to the patient's fear of the procedure and they didn't even really greet the patient. being a doctor to them had become a chore rather than a privilege really. they merely went in, got the job done and went out. but the third doctor we met, dr.ganesh, he was really nice and friendly. he encouraged the patient when she got scared and he said hi and engaged in some small talk first. and he was super friendly with us too. said endoscopy's like playing with a big playstation. i guess to me, the idealistic teenager, being a doctor is different. you've been entrusted with a life ya know!! a life that hurts and fights and yearns to live. so whatcha gonna do about that?
and i also have such a respect for the nurses. they're the ones who care for the patients, they ask them about their lives, they help reduce their pain and it is obvious they most of them genuinely care. i found it so sweet how one of the nurses was holding down this uncle who was having his colonoscopy and screaming throughout. the doctor did nothing to soothe the man, not a single word but the nurse kept saying it's okay uncle! little bit more only. the use of the term uncle and aunty is so sweet, most if not all use it. our culture here's pretty cool huh! way more intimate than mr or sir. so anyways, i really think they're underestimated and given less credit than they deserve. i actually considered today if i would make a better nurse than a doctor. i didn't want to be just the 'mechanic' that fixes people and walks away. my passion is after all people. and it's cool too that my passion like dims when i'm far from God but really magnifies when i have a strong relationship with God. and the technicians too, they're all really cool. :)
and i realized that there are really nice people in this world! :) despite all sadness, pain and bad in this world, they prevail ya know? preety cool huh? the first uncle who gave consent to us observing the operation was so nice. he was so friendly with us and when the nurses couldn't find his vein, he gave wincing at us and asking still not done ar? we all went to say bye to him afterwards cause he was just so super nice. the second lady who let us in was also so sweet. she said she was shy but oh well, come only la! so we were like, oh okay! :D then she said, but next time you must cure everyone okay! haha, she's so cute. but it gives me peace to know that there are so many friendly people out there, as silly as this may sound. ;p
so what i wish for is to fearless. fearless of living away from what is expected of me, fearless of speaking my mind, fearless of doing brave things, fearless of others' opinion, of life. i was tinking today, what if i chose nursing instead of medicine? seems a pretty big leap. do i dare to choose something besides what is expected of me? but at the same time, it's more that i cannot bring myself to do it. this is me being extremely honest. i fear what people would think if i suddenly chose to do a course which required so much less academics than medicine, that i'd always be looked at as the girl who couldn't do medicine. but that's really stupid, it's such a pointless, annoying fear. and today i saw the cleaning lady at the cafeteria stacking chairs. and i wondered if i should help her, but it is her job tho. and it would be very unconventional for a normal person to mo la la help the cleaning lady stack chairs or offer to help her clean a table. it would be unconventional too for someone to smile at strangers in malls and public places, or do random nice things. i hate hate that fears. i wonder what i would be like if i lived just one day completely fearless. wouldn't that be exhilarating?
the Bible says that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. perhaps wisdom is the key to overcoming all other fear. sigh.. there's so much for me to worry about.
maybe one day i should wake up and choose fearlessness. maybe that day is tomorrow.
is it bad if i cause a little trouble to one person to help someone else who needs it more? this seems to be stirring in my mind a lot. i always have to trouble my dad or sister to send me around when i gotta go for MADU or mission trip briefing or tuition for others. and they don't like it la. so i'm having a tough time deciding between right and wrong basically. there's always things to be done at home that i'm just not doing. i'm sorry. sigh.
the sun will rise again tomorrow,
candice. :D
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