so i had my bio presentation today! we had to speed through it and there's a good chance of getting full if you can stay within 3 minutes. basically everyone speed talked la, including me. i don't do well when i have to rush, and i started getting that chest discomfort again. the last time it happened was during the add maths SPM paper where i realized that i didn't have enough time to finish unless i started rushing (cause i tend to do things slowly). then my chest started getting tight and my cheeks were flushed and my hands were shaking. i remember crying the whole day after that paper because of that horrible feeling that lasted the whole day. today it happened before my presentation started but it wasn't as bad la. but still, i felt very uncomfortable and still do, had some difficulty breathing just now too. but i guess it could be me just overreacting but i considered many options lor, like panic attack, angina or whatever. and in both times, i had coffee beforehand! but i think i'm gonna be just fine and my mind's playing tricks on me only. so no worries!
anyways i got an interview with monash for medicine soon! i kinda didn't expected it cause my isats were quite low, but i did and as soon as i saw the email, i thanked God. things haven't been going so well between me and God and i'm more confused lately but still it felt like He was saying that He's keeping His promise to me. i might or might not perform well, but on this matter, i'm still counting on God. :) but it's funny tho, how He can be so near to me yet so far. sigh... but the interview was part of what got me all jiggly nervous too. please help me there God!!! i'm pretty terrified!
well, quite recently i was challenged by james that if someone could prove the whole Bible wrong, what would happen to my faith? which led to the question why do i believe in God? i think i just realized my answer. in the most difficult times of my life, the only person i can go to and know that i will be understood, is God. even if i am angry with Him for giving me such lousy circumstances, He is the only one i can turn to. "Where can i go from Your Spirit, or where can i flee from Your presence? If i ascend into heaven You are there; if i make my bed in hell, You are there." -Psalms 139:7-8, "Even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me."- verse 10. and what this says to me is that even when life seems like hell, He is there with me holding my hand. and He promises never to leave. my friends are awesome, but only He can bring that peace and hope.
There are so many people i know that succumb to rage easily and would scream at people instantly, others that succumb to pain hopelessly and would cut themselves or think of suicide. and on some level, i have succumbed to rage or pain, but since meeting God, i know something changed in me. there are days when people are shouting at me or irritating me, that i want to scream back with all my lungs and energy, to say words of truth about their wrong, hypocritical behaviour which i know would totally shut them up in shame, unless they that thick skinned la. but most of the time i don't. and honestly when you don't shout back, you feel uneasy or treated unjustly. i feel that way. but God's bigger than that, and He lives in me. so i should be more like Him. when i, when we, don't shout back, we're exerting godliness. when we want to act out in rage in response to injustice towards us or others, and don't, we're not being weak, but instead incredibly strong. because despite what the world thinks, that a man would always stand up and fight back, it takes even more strength to walk away, to surrender all the hurt to God and to forgive even if the other person does not deserve it at all. cause who are we to judge?
"You have heard that it was said an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. But i tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him as well. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. and whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two. give to him who asks of you and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away. you have heard that it was said,'you shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.' but i say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you."
-Matthew 5:38-44
and that's why i don't think i can ever lose my faith in God. i need Him too much, and it is in the hardest times that i see how much He means to me. and it's given me compassion for my friends and family too, and every other person in the world who hurts and suffers and does so, all alone. i started writing the second half of this post pretty angry and upset over something, but as i've typed all these out, God's peace surrounds me again. and i wish so deeply that the people around me will too eventually feel that peace and sacrificial love of our God.
"For He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds."
- Psalms 147:3
learning to love like Christ,
candice
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