so we were at cyclogenetics today and the lady was talking about identifying the prenatal sample for Down's Syndrome. and she said it quite factually that i wondered if she felt anything when a sample she tested would come back positive. i mean she was nice and certainly not heartless i'm sure, but it seems like working in a hospital is so much about just getting used to bad news too. like doctors and nurses and even the lab technicians face sickness and pain and death every day. and so they become used to it and numb i guess. basically what i'm trying to say is, i'm scared of losing my emotions. i probably will become numb like them if i want to work in a hospital next time but i just find it so sad that while being so close to the plight of others, professionalism must come first you know? haha i don't know if you still understand what i'm talking about, but it's just i'm scared that when i become a doctor i lose my candice-ness, the emotions that make me crazy and silly or sad and tearful.
and i'm also so afraid of losing my passions and belief in miracles and greater things and people. you know how when we're young, we're really idealistic and we have big dreams, but when people grow up, so often they let them dream die away and they settle for a life that's second best. i'm scared that in a few years i'll look at myself and wonder, how did i get here? who am i now? and cause i'm pretty naive too, i'm afraid that growing up will change me into the total opposite, where everyone becomes a bad guy instead. gah, so comfusing for me!
i guess with some exceptions, i like the current me and i'm scared that when i grow up i won't have the same spunk anymore ya know?
haha, oh well, gotta grow to see right? :)
hmm here's something else i wanted to type in last night's post but didn't cause my eyes were closing while facing the laptop already. from paulo coelho also:
Don’t compare. Don’t compare anything – not prices, nor cleanliness, nor quality of life, nor means of transport, nothing! You are not traveling in order to prove you live better than others – your search, in fact, is to find out how others live, what they have to teach, how they view reality and the extraordinary things in life.
he was talking about travelling, but i felt this apply in so many areas of my life really. to just live without comparing how good what he have is to what there is elsewhere. and the words 'don't compare' always sticks with me and it's really good advice la. cause when i kept thinking not to compare, it became something i did subconciously and especially at Slim River right, the village people didn't really have much and lived on very little. and i was surprised when someone mentioned during debriefing that they(the village people) had so little. cause i didn't notice that really. i mean i guess along the way, especially this year, i feel like i learnt a lot about life. i learnt that it's not about the money in your life but in the quality of it, of how we interact we each other, about godliness, joy, love, peace, family and friendship. and if you have all that, you're really rich in life already ya know? :) so i found this advice extremely helpful too. :)
with love,
candice
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