i learnt a lesson just now. i was on the phone with a friend, and while giving advice, i realized how much those words applied to me as well. lately i've been feeling more like a failure in many of the things i do. and i said, what shows true dedication is choosing to keep doing what you started even when the good feelings have gone. and that, feels like a big slap. sigh.
lately i feel like there's some sort of poision in me. poison that makes me irritable easily, extremely lazy and just not myself. i don't feel good about myself as much and i succumb so easily to watching glee or bones, and thus procrastinating doing my homework and stuff. and if i don't become more determined to fight it, it'll just become worse and worse. sigh, i need to be working extra hard now too to get a super duper TER to get into med school. maybe this is a new challenge for me, to overcome laziness and stuff. and in addition, i got a new responsibility in CF now, publishing camp comm.. i'm so afraid of messing up anymore, anywhere. sigh.
today my dad gave me a father's day present. a totally unexpected one, that didn't come in a neatly wrapped bundle or a ribbon package. but instead it came in unexpected words of encouragement. see, i always thought that it would be quite disappointing for him to pay so incredibly much for medicine school for me if i would choose a low paying job after. and in the car i told him so, like i'd feel bad if it comes to a point where i could barely support myself and thus could not support them too. if i chose to live a life of voluntary poverty. but he said, that it did not matter to him. what matters is if i could be of service to society or not. and he said that he couldn't do it, like be of much service to society, but his hopes are that we his daughters could represent him in doing so. that he would gladly pay for our education if at the end of the day we can help people. and he said that he would very much like to see me become a doctor, and he said it with such sincerity and hope. i was so incredibly touched and tears had actually begun to fill my eyes but i held it in. thank you so much daddy. :) i really hope that my children next time will be as blessed as me, to have a father like you.
oh and i met really nice people today too. :) they help delivered this really heavy thingy to our house and i was amazed once again by the beauty of strangers. :) they were happy even when they did hard labour. you know, i realized that some people look to the skies or to green forests when in search of beauty. but me? the greatest beauty i can find anywhere on earth, is that which lies in the human spirit. the world is a beautiful place. :)
but to be honest, as i kinda mentioned above, my life is pretty messy right now. it would be quite easy to assume my walk with God is going great from my posts, but they aren't so much. i've been feeling close but not close, it's complicated la. and i've been feeling quite awful lately, just withdrawal symptoms from God. and i'm tired of always having to try so hard to make things work with God, but then i remember that it is not a chore but a joy to serve Him. as with every fall, what matters more is that you would rise again. i will rise again, even if it's a bit late.
and watching glee and re-reflecting on agc, i realized how serious the problems that teenage girls face. of dealing with social pressures like fitting in, being skinny, being beautiful and popular and self esteem issues too. and i'm sure every girl out there knows what that feels like. so today my message is this. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, because God designed you so. see yourself through His eyes and not that of the world and see how precious you truly are. it's tough, it really is, to see yourself through His eyes and not the world's when you still have to deal with the world everyday. but remember that God too is always with you. so believe the truth kay?
thank You that Jesus' blood paid the price once and for all. i love You Lord, thanks for the amazing people you have placed in my life.
having faith in myself,
candice
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