the unforced rhythms of grace

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
- Matthew 6:24, MSG version

:) yet another reminder to me to NOT WORRY SO MUCH. God has been really faithful to me this year, pulling me through each time i feel i can no longer go on. and as i've got new application forms with me and is so anxious about uni replies, i don't want to worry anymore. He's shown me over and over again that He won't let me go, that His future for me is good, so i just want to surrender fully now. partly cause i can't handle the pressure of worrying anymore, but mostly because i am certain that no matter what happens in the coming weeks, i am sure in a few months or years time, i will be able to look back and say Thank You God, for being faithful, for letting Your plan for me be carried out and not my own. i am certain that He's got a good future for me, and thus, from today onwards, i'm not gonna let myself succumb to pull-out-all-my-hair worries anymore, but instead come to Jesus when i need refreshing and assurance.

:) i just had dim sum with my parents, and i realized how much i missed 'hanging out' with them. it has been an extremely busy few months for me, where there was always something on on my weekend mornings, that i haven't had breakfast with them in ages. and today it felt really nice, reminding me how blessed i am to have my family. and last night, i had a GOOD talk with wensheeee, and also mich, gene, james. and i loved it, i loved how i spent my merdeka eve in the end, talking to people i treasure in my life, who i can be comfortably myself with. haha, only today in the car was i once again reflecting how truly blessed i am in this life, in this year, that God has given me really incredible friends, that God has reminded me what a, though slightly broken, amazingly beautiful family i have. and like my sister told me, relationships are the most valuable things in life, and in that sense, i feel really rich right now. :) and if you're reading this and don't feel the same way, maybe all it takes is remembering, spending time with the people around you again, to realize that you too, are richly blessed. :)

there are times in my life, increasingly too, that i just feel a wave of happiness. as i stand in the moment, time stops(in the words of michliew) and i just savour it. the feeling of knowing that for this moment, life is beautiful, i am blessed, i know who i am, and the people around me are happy. it's the most incredible feeling really. :)

there was a really cool quote in flash forward yesterday, but i can't find it anywhere. it's something about this 'many worlds' theory whereby the alternate choices we have that we didn't make are actually carried out in some alternate world somewhere. er, get what i'm saying? like for every possible versions of our life and the paths we take are happening somewhere, in different worlds. though i don't believe it, i find it extremely interesting. imagine if we got to see how our choices will play out in the future before we make it. if we could have a 'foolproof' life in that sense. that would be cool indeed. but.. it wouldn't be life. i think the beauty of life lies in the fact that there's no turning back, no rewind buttons, and yet always a hope of making things better. it's never too late to be who you want to be when i was younger, :P, i used to compare life to steamboat. hahah funny i know. :S but it's like, the more ingredients you put in, the nicer or well, i guess not-nicer sometimes, the taste. and you can't get back the original taste of the plain soup after putting all the stuff in. the ingredients are kinda like experiences i think. :) but if it ain't nice, add more nice stuff in it, then the soup will be nice! hahah are you confused? i am! :P

PEOPLE I ADMIRE(AND LOVE :D) #3


the four ladies in the back! (that always get scolded for being too noisy.. :P) (not forgetting baby teng, and the rest of the teng family too!)i'm always comfortable here, which means the world to me. thanks for sitting outside ac with me! I STILL HATE AC!


:) my trustee advisor!!!! the best 'kor' in the world. hahahhahaha, thanks for everything! ;P


i don't tell everyone their hair is nice kay! but thanks gramps, for always believing in me! :) 35 yea, don't forget! :)


G8 <3

and most of all..


my family! :) the people that always got my back, even if they don't always show it. :) <3

these are some of the blessings God has given me, packaged in wonderful people! :D i just felt really inclined to post about these few people today somehow. :)

AND 'OTP' IS NOT OFF TO POOP!

counting my blessings,
candice

the first cut is the deepest

"It is not by one action that man can be defined, but rather it is the sum of events and man's reaction to each one, that defines his character."
- Anonymous

i realized that all of us, are only as good as how we treat the people we dislike the most. a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and thus the fundamental truth applies here. and while all of us have good things to show, kind words, sacrificial actions, i think that what matters more than that is the truth, the worst, and they way we act when we don't have to be nice. maybe we've been asking the wrong question all along, it is not how good are you at your best? but rather, how bad are you at your worst? i think that speaks volumes more of our character. interesting thought to ponder on! :) so how bad is your worst today?

"Integrity is doing the right thing even when we think no one is looking."
- i forgot who..

"It is not who you are, but what you do that defines you."
- Batman Begins

and prisc asked me to watch 'the last lecture' by randy pausch, and it had some really good stuff to bite on. here they are...

and he showed up for practice... and he hadn't brought any footballs. how are we gonna practice without any footballs? and one of the other kids said "excuse me coach, we don't have a football." and coach graham said," right, how many men are on the football field at a time?" "11 on a team, 22." and coach graham said," and how many people are holding the football at any given time?" "one of em'." "right and today we're gonna work on what the other 21 guys are doing."

when you're screwing up, and nobody's saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up.

experience is what you get when you don't get what you wanted.

the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough.

wait long enough and people will surprise and impress you.

you can't change the card you're dealt, just how you play the hand.

people vs. things, people always matter more! (the gist of it la)

if you live properly, the dreams will come to you.




where we first discovered the meaning of life. sorta. :)

thanking God for His hand in everything,
candice! :D

liberation

i've been meaning to blog, but i didn't have the right words to express what i wanted to. jumbledness ahead!

anyways, yesterday was a good day, and there were some things in yesterday's sermon that had an impact on me. i remember halfways i was feeling all self-concious/doubtful again, the way i always feel every now and then, a feeling i think you might understand too. ever felt you weren't good enough and wonder, if you were loved? haha tad emo i know, but somehow, i was sinking into that again, rejuggling all my flaws. but then the speaker reminded me of the fundamental truth in Christianity, that Jesus loves me more than life. i know the phrase is overused, but to be reminded once again of the truth, that never gets old. and now i am certain that even when i am at my lowest and my worst, that God still loves me the same as He did when i was at my best. :)i am so glad i believe the truth!

"and the people that Jesus attracted were all sinners", like whoaaa.. for that's another truth, that God came for the sinners, the lost, the unloved, the ill, and His outstretched hand is calling us, the sinners, the lost, the unloved, the ill, where some of us have fallen so deep we don't even realize it. and in His arms, there is forgiveness of sins, love, joy, peace. :)

it's gonna be september in 3 days.. maybe before i know it, i will be 17. before i know it, SAM's gonna be over. and before i know it, i will be entering the next chapter of my life, no longer candice the schoolgirl, or candice the college kid, but candice, the med student. gosh life is scary, and so overwhelming in its hugeness. i realized how often i complain about the lack of choices i have, but i realized that what it all boils down to, is that i can in fact choose what i want to do. :) i realize now that if i look back at my posts from long ago, i have said the exact same thing, and i'm still stuck in the same dilemma. guess i can never run from life you know? i think i'm too afraid of making the wrong choices in life, and i don't know how to deal with that but i guess, at the end of the day, what do i have to lose right?

i like this, though it's from a 'nyeh..' movie.
"But now that we’ve grown up, they want a more serious answer. Well, how about this… Who the hell knows? This isn’t a time to make hard and fast decisions. This is the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love - a lot. Major in philosophy because there’s no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again because nothing is permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… We won’t have to guess. We’ll know.”
- angela's graduation speech, eclipse

hahah i also like this! it's from a book i borrowed from kat- titled Then Am I Strong. it's like a classic Christian romance story, but good stuff! :)

*mmmm, i can smell my mum's home cooked food now! yum yum yums!*

"When i see the sunrise there, i'll think, just two hours before it was sunrise back home where my heart is. I love sunrises, but for the next six months they are gonna be especially welcome, because each one means that one more day has come, and I'm that much nearer home."

"That night when things were blackest- when i knew i couldn't go on without cracking up,..... i had reached the lowest spot i'd ever been in. i was sure i couldn't go on another day. Then you came and put your arms around me, and i forgot that you were the one i was supposed to hold up. ... so i let loose of all the pride and determination that had been keeping me going, and i relaxed on your strength. oh honey, it was such a blessed rest."
- Dave to JoAnne, before leaving for Arizona.

mm, good stuff, so sweet! hahah but it was a good book nevertheless, with lots of real problems that forced them to rely on God's strength. so today, i am thankful for trials and uncertainties in my life, for they force me to rely on my faith, and msot importantly, on God. and it feels so... liberating. :)


life is good,
candice :)

more than the sweetest of words

you know what? i think i'm addicted to blogging, addicted to throwing out all my thoughts and spring cleaning my brainspace. tsk tsk!

this is something that's been on my head lately.. i wrote a letter to myself on 24th September 2009 addressed to me in 24th September 2010. and recently i opened the box where i kept it and the sticker wasn't sticky anymore so it was half opened and i could read a few lines from that half-open slit. so i figured fine la, just read only la! it was just a month plus earlier. and there were some pretty usual stuff in there, reminding me of who i am and stuff like that. but i guess what hit me most was me telling, well myself, that i(2009) was sitting for SPM and waiting to shift house and awaiting the arrival of my purple and green chair. i then asked myself(2010) how i did for SPM. and i remember thinking back then that 2010 me would know the answer to that, and i know it sounds bit weird and confusing, but i just reflected a bit on how far i've come since 2009. i am so certain that i'm wiser and older now, but what remained in my head the MOST was...

where will i be on the 24th of Spetember 2011?

will i still be here, on my purple and green chair typing out my latest revelation in life? or will i be in australia, independent, a medical student? i mean, i'm preparing for the biggest change in my life so far and i am kinda terrified. where will i be in one years time? i expressed my frustration to mich today, and as i kept complaining she finally 'shouted', YOU'LL BE AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY LA. (24th September in coincidentally her birthday, i knew that) haha, and that made me smile, somehow. :D

anyways, today i was getting stressed out again, worried about my results. did i improve since the last report or get much worse? tomorrow we will know chem test results and 65% of our maths internal score. honestly, i am super terrified. and while worrying about other things as well, i received a text from a really good friend of mine. "Why are you downcast, 'o' my soul? Why so disturbed within me? I will put my hope in the Lord for i will wait on Him, my God and my Saviour" - Psalms 43:5 (i'm quoting this from memory so i may have a few words wrong). and then i just wasn't so worried anymore. everytime i started to get stressed again, i will think Why so downcast 'o' my soul? and i will remember that above every circumstance, God is still in control over my life. and whether i stay or go next year, it's all gonna be up to Him. :) like the post before this, i am pushing the rock, praying for God to move it, but this time, certain that no matter what, i will be where God wants me to be.

and this weekend, i learnt just how fragile life is. when a life is taken, we always think, nah these kinda things don't happen to me, this only happens in movies. i thought that funerals were only attended when you were an adult, and when it simply became a part of life. i was reminded, that a life can be taken anytime, and we really have to live it to the fullest everyday, or miss out, when it's too late. and most importantly, to truly appreciate everyone around us, before we can't anymore.

"Heroes are made when you make a choice"
- Hero, Superchick

i just came back from the ramadhan bazaar near my house cause my mum wanted to go. we ended up going to the mini mart in the apartments nearby, and i thought it was pretty cool. i liked seeing the kids play with one another and people chatting over vegetables there, it was a real community sorta feel you know? and me and my mum were so super duper blur about how to make the stringy agar-agar so we asked a few people and they were all so friendly. :) can you believe my mum barely knows how to speak bm anymore? hahaha, but after that she taught me how to squeeze santan out of dried coconut er.. isi, and it was pretty cool! she's passing on to me what her mum taught her, and i found that really neat. :) my mum's a really incredible person, despite all the arguments we have over the littlest things. she was brought up in hardship and trials and she's tough now. though she has a car she would rather sit the bus, mostly cause she's afraid of driving, but still, it's just humbling in a way. she would go to all the roadside shopes and know her way around chee cheong kai, and bargain for the lowest prices, and sew and cook, and just do so many things. though she lives a more privileged life now, she never really lives that way, with certain exceptions la but still, i admire that raw toughness and simplicity in her, that a bowl of PJ ha min would make her happier than bars of gold. :) she's also super friendly and knows all the nasi lemak woman, the newspaper lady, the chicken rice man etc., and i somehow never forgot how she randomly gave an old lady who was walking alone money for lunch one day. i think she must have felt prompting from God or just compassion, and i was very touched that i never forgot it, though i was just a kid then. she's real generous too, and her gifts can be quite extravagant. and i like that she's more or less in some ways, passed on that spirit to us, and that she has kept us humble. i love you mummy, though i know i don't say it enough. :) thank you for being one of the reasons i am who i am today. :D

praying for strength,
candice

breathe, just breathe

I Will Move the Rock
by Cindy Lu

A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.

This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's mind such as: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it."

Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure, these thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort, and that will be good enough."

And that he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord. "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to me, with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewed and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done.

"I, my friend, will now move the rock."

At times when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what he wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in him...

By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but it is still God who moves the mountains.

God, You call us to obedience everyday. Sometimes, I want to see beyond obedience. I want to know why, how and when. Yet, it is usually long after the obedience that I begin to realize what Your plan was back then. So help me just be obedient for today. I am learning, Lord that by being obedient today, I am stronger for tomorrow. In Jesus' Name, AMEN!

wonder and beauty

i think lightning's gorgeous! :)



recently in my class, we'd been having our physics oral presentation, where all of us spoke on our different info Search topics. and space-related topics came up pretty often, teaching me a lot of new stuff. over the past, i've had an obvious disdain for astronomy related careers, which i would always say is a waste of money. i used to, and still do VERY MUCH think it was an absolute waste of money(millions of dollars) to send a Malaysian astronaut to not-even-the-moon simply to show off that we too are capable. to prove we are capable, then the money should have been used for a greater purpose, for the people of Malaysia, the poor, the sick, those that really need the money instead of some spaceman. so yea, i think exploring space is pointless and ridiculous, especially since it hardly affects us unless some armageddon thing was gonna happen. everyone just wants to show off you know? but anyways, listening to all the presentations just made me slightly reconsider the whole issue. i mean in each one of their presentations, the word INFINITE most likely came up. and no matter how many universes astronomers discover, God will always be more than a step ahead, creating new universes faster than we humans can even find out about them. i remember Louie Giglio saying this, "What if, the sole purpose of the vastness of the universe, is to proclaim God's glory?" and i was so incredibly amazed then, and that amazement returns again as i see slides after slides of how great the universe is, how infinite and glorious and beautiful it is, and i can't help but wonder how much more beautiful it's Creator is, the star-breather who became the sin-bearer. just the very fact that we could be alive amongst galaxies and planets that cannot sustain life shows that there are greater forces at work here. so no, i don't believe in the Big Bang either, because that is saying that everything that's beautiful in this world, love, hope, joy, peace, goodness, was all simply an accident. and more than ever, i believe that the more scientists research, the more they will discover that God is the only answer.

these pictures were taken from the hubble telescope.


Source: Hubblesite.org

Source: Hubblesite.org

looking for Louie Giglio's video about God's glory shining through astronomy, i found this, an excerpt of his other sermon. and i remember how touched i was watching this a long time ago, and if you have never watched this before, watch it now. i dare you, to see just how much God loves you.


"when you think that you can't take one more breath, I'll give you enough to keep going on." wow.

hmm other than that, i was also thinking about the One Malaysia concept. i have heard countless remarks about how the concept isn't working and about all the controversy regarding it. yet, that spirit alone is what kills it, it isn't nasty politics or imperfect concepts that ruin 'One Malaysia' it's the Malaysian attitude of simply complaining all the time. going to my first ramadhan bazaar yesterday made me feel a bit more 'One Malaysia' where people were nice, and smile begot smile. i love smiling at other people and have them smile back, and truly yesterday, regardless of race, everyone was smiling easily, especially over a hilariously large amount of cempedak gorengs that smelled so good. so if you feel like 'One Malaysia' can never work out, let me ask you now, what have you been doing to make it work? let us together end racism and truly live as Malaysians in the spirit of One Malaysia. it's like, there will always be broken policies, to put it mildly, when you see thing from high up above, but when you come lower and see things as they are, and as they can be, when you see little kids able to converse in manadarin, tamil and bm, when you can have char kuey teow, roti canai and teh tarik all in one meal, when you see people love one another despite colour, culture and race, that's when we should realize indeed how truly blessed we are and become ever so proud to call ourselves Malaysians. Happy *early* Independence Day! :)

let's make a difference today,
candice

genuine

well firstly, i learnt that when you really start to accept people as they are and take them as they come, you will start to realize that they are all so so beautiful in their own way. really wan. :)

so, i was exhausted this morning from our girl's math session till 3.30am last night, at which time elena transformed into a zombie, and seriously freaked the life out of me and mich. we are still traumatized by her sleepwalking. :D

but anyways, our schedule today involved going to the SPCA to pass them our donation moneyy. so i went with adrian and sean, as everyone else was busy, on a road trip around kl!!! the drive to ampang was like an hour man, during which time i sang my heart and soul out for the two of them, but the only applause they would give were GROANS. hahah but apparently, they're used to my 'noise' so oh well! so off we were! giving the money to the SPCA and getting a receipt made me so happy!!! i just stared at the receipt smiling so much, feeling like we did a good thing today. so since we had some extra time, we decided to go to Hospital Kuala Lumpur too to drop off the other half of our collection to this myanmar girl with leukemia who needed money for surgery. gosh, as soon as we reached the hospital i started feeling so uncomfortable. the place was so sad, and i started to wonder how i will make it as a doctor, and actuallly reconsidered if medicine was the right choice for me. can i really deal with grief and pain everyday? just being there and watching ambulances come and go made me feel like crying already, somemore we went to the wards with so many sick children there. and i remember thinking, to be with them the same hyper, crazy, happy person though i am so sad on the inside will require mosre strength than i possess. and while i felt that i was not strong enough to be a doctor, i felt even more compelled to do this work. and it felt like nothing else in the world would ever have the same call on me as this. except maybe motherhood. but i really believe that all the emotions and compassion i feel for the sick, poor and in need, comes from God, that this is my spiritual gift. my strongest emotions are in this area, and somehow i've always felt for them more than others do, not that others aren't compassionate, but i think that God's just made me more passionate for this purpose.

sigh but, just seeing all the pain there made me so upset. these people weren't just sick, but some of them are really poor too, and it's gonna be so tough for them to survive. and i hated, absolutely hated the fact that i could be happy. that i can come back to a safe home, a happy life, good friends, rich school. that after a while i would start laughing again, but they would still be suffering, fighting,trying to pull through. the little girl, thla kom, her dad is working while taking care of her siblings for so little money, any they're trying so hard to simply survive. why do some lives turn out such and others differently? why was it that i was born into privilege, but they, refugees, are born into a life of danger, suffering and fear? there were a million other similar thoughts in my head then too, and i got really quiet and emo that i think adrian and sean were a bit worried. but adrian told me that we should be glad cause we did a good thing for them today, and as much as i want to, i can't save everyone. sigh, the whole visit just made me feel like we were so insignificant, thinking we were so charitable by collecting money for them, when seeing the need, we should in fact be continually collecting money. i realized today, that if you open your eyes just a bit bigger, that you'll realize there's so much suffering around you. suffering we most often choose to ignore. i guess the truth is, i don't know how to deal with the truth in adrian's words. because one day, when i am in the position to actually help people, i don't know how i will react then to knowing that i cannot save everyone i want to. my brains are just jumbled up now la.

anyways, so after that the guys wanted to go to the ramadhan bazaar near the car, so we went la, for my first ramadhan bazaar ever. cheered me up a bit, especially seeing the guys buy SO MUCH cempedak goreng! adrian was so tempted to eat them in the car as we were all stuck in the jam, but somehow he didn't la. and we drove back to college after dropping sean home, and i guess in some perspective, we drove back to 'reality' you know? sigh. i guess, i just don't know anything anymore. suddenly everything's become unclear, uncertain and as i struggle with who i am and what i can do, i'm just so stumped, feeling so helpless. EEYARGH, i'm so frustrated la.

a very confused and frustrated candice.

tearing down the walls

this morning, i was on the way to college when i took out my iPod and started listening. while staring out of the car, i prayed a short prayer and i remember saying, Lord, let me live today for You. and around then, the song 'counting on God' came on, as i was still talking to God, and this joy washed over me. it's funny really, how for the first time in my life, i feel that joy unspeakable, that overwhelms, that is great in its stillness. i've heard people talk of how they felt it when they first accepted Christ, but the truth is, i don't remember when i accepted Christ. strange i know, but it just seemed like a gradual process through yc and my relationship with God somehow just blossomed to where it is today. and that is amazing because it shows me that anyone and everyone can have a relationship with God. and each relationship can be mended when things go wrong. since like december last year, my relationship with God, well i wasn't doing my devotions regularly and though i still struggle with it now, i knew things were sorta not right with Him but still okay, and my prayer was always the same. i was praying for breakthrough. to really just break free of the complacent state i was in, when i did not care enough to move forward. and breakthrough came, when i least expected it, surely as the sun rises every morning. :)

sometimes faith feels like you're pushing, punching against a brick wall. it isn't moving and your brain is telling you that it never will, pleading with you to just give up. but you push anyways, giving it your all, until the unending wall before you crumbles to your feet.

i remember clearly the first time i started speaking in tongues. it was in THIRSTY? camp 2007. we were huddled in a circle and everyone kept encouraging me to just speak whatever words i have while they prayed. and it was a bit weird, and a bit embarassing to be speaking just the syllables in my mind, but i remember pushing so hard, harder than ever since then, because it was a gift i was desperate for. and after a while, the Holy Spirit took over, and now i can speak in tongues. and one of the things that makes getting the gift so beautiful to me, is that you gotta want it, above all, you must be desperate for it. my life hasn't been the same since! :)

PEOPLE I ADMIRE #2 - Jack Lengyel


yes i know that this is in fact matthew mcconaughey, but jack lengyel is the character he plays in the movie 'We Are Marshall'. which was a totally fantastic movie, definitely top 5 in my list! next to the great debators and anna and the king. :P it was basically about a town, in which their entire football team passed away in a plane crash, and they had to restart their football programme again, from the ashes. jack, the new coach, is slightly eccentric i would say, and early in the movie, you would think from the way he speaks that he isn't very bright and is a bit lazy in his speech. but only as the movie progressed did i realize that he is in fact very wise, an uncommon wisdom masked by simplicity, expressed in unexpected analogies and kind honesty. he was the one that kept hoping for Marshall when nearly everyone else had given up hope. he was their pillar of hope, a strength that caused others to start hoping again. i love how he approaches people and listens, thinks, then only talks, if necessary. i also learnt that there are 'tough-looking' people in the world that just need a caring person to break their wall. and chung zhi, i think he's really cool la! :) here are some quotes from we are marshall..

"Winning is everything and nothing else matters. I mean I've... I've said that so many times myself I... I... I... I lost count. You know and... it doesn't matter what sport. And it doesn't matter what country. Any coach who's worth a darn in this business believes those words fact. Then I came here... and for the first time in my life, hell maybe for the first time in the history of sports suddenly it's just not true anymore. At least not here, not now. No... ya see, Red, it doesn't matter if we win, or if we lose. It's not even about how we play the game. What matters is that we play the game. That we take the field. That we suit up on Saturdays and we keep this program alive. We play the game and Red, I'm tellin' ya one day... not today, not tomorrow. Not this season probably. Not next season either, but one day you and I are gunna wake up suddenly we're gunna be like every other team, in every other sport where winning is everything, and nothing else matters. When that day comes... well that's when we'll honor them."
- this held so true, about the spirit of not giving up ever, even when it gets so tough you feel like you can't take it anymore. at that point, it's not about whether you win or not, what matters is that you play, even when the world expects you to stop. and it was also a reminder to me, that everything has its own time, and miracles don't always come instantly.

"Jack Lengyel: Today, I want to talk about our opponent this afternoon. They're bigger, faster, stronger, more experienced and on paper, they're just better. And they know it too. But I want to tell you something that they don't know. They don't know your heart. I do. I've seen it. You have shown it to me. You have shown this coaching staff, your teammates. You have shown yourselves just exactly who you are in here.
[Thumps his chest]
Jack Lengyel: When you take that field today, you've got to lay that heart on the line, men. From the souls of your feet, with every ounce of blood you've got in your body, lay it on the line until the final whistle blows. And if you do that, if you do that, we cannot lose. We may be behind on the scoreboard at the end of the game but if you play like that we cannot be defeated. Now we came here today to remember six young men and sixty-nine others who will not be on the field with you today, but they will be watching. You can bet your ass that they'll be gritting their teeth with every snap of that football. You understand me? How you play today, from this moment on is how you will be remembered. This is your opportunity to rise from these ashes and grab glory. We are...
Young Thundering Herd: Marshall! "

it's funneee to think tomorrow night, i won't be sleeping alone! there'll be three other CRAZY girls in my bed. scratch that.

it's funneee to think tomorrow night, i won't be getting ANY sleep at all. ;)

love always,
me! :)

the beauty within

so today i had a GOOD day! :) lotsa things just went pretty well today, not to mention i totally saved gene's life today!!! he so owes me one now. and tests and physiks presentation went pretty well, so i can't complain. and i called up my members too, well half of them only. and saturday's dinner with CAR ParK is confirmed(!!! PLEASE GOD LET IT HAPPEN WITHOUT ANY CHANGES AGAIN!)and we're probably going to SPCA on friday! and sleepover's tomoro tomoro!!! MUAHAHHAHAHAH! so excited, it's all good stuff!!!! :D

aww, my sister just left the house with my parents for lcct. she's going to aussie land today!!! :) i'm gonna miss her, really wan! :) sigh, here's to two weeks alone!

anyways, speaking of my members, it's quite strange i guess, two of my members are my age, older than me by months in fact. and i suppose one way to react to this is to be all akward about it, and to think they are too, but i'm starting to really really believe that God purposely put me in this position. and i'm starting to really enjoy talking to them, just as friends you know? :) they really are a blessing in my life and i'm glad God stopped me in my tracks now and let me make changes. :) also, TOO often, we overthink things. we worry about what will happen, how the call will go, and we end up with more doubts than anything, which then stops us from doing what we wanted to do in the first place. so sometimes, i really feel we gotta just stop worrying, stop imagining the worst and go, by faith. to just keep trusting God for everything, and quite strangely amazingly, the more i rely on God in every part of my life, the more liberated i feel. i am free, and now, i'm starting to feel that way too. :) thank You Jesus, for Your amazing hand in everything. for finally letting me realize that You have a purpose for EVERYTHING.

it is in the moments i sit here, listening to spirit fm, reflecting and typing that this sense of wonder at God overwhelms me. wonder i've never felt before, wonder that's increasing day by day. i am at peace, i am joyful, i am content. indeed, above all, i am free.

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not be faint."
- Isaiah 40:31 :)

Here's a good verse worth pondering on..
" Don't excite love, don't stir it up,
Until the time is ripe,- and you're ready. "
- Songs of Songs 8:4

so i'm determined to start taking more risks in my life. no more 'what if's' or 'if only i had done that'. i am determined to experience each day fully, to make mistakes and learn from them, to live, without any regrets whatsoever. for "our greatest regrets are not for the things we did, but for the things we didn't do."

and if you're wondering if you can still make things right, then you are in a position to make things right, right now. :)

and it's 7.55 pm now, and i'm still happy. :)

take care dear reader, see you soon! :)

still smiling

today was a pretty good day! (i was really brave today!!!!! :P) :) anyways, i took this spiritual gifts test to see what my gifts are now, and they are kinda the same/consistent with the one i took last time. last year my top two were voluntary poverty and mercy, and third was missionary. here are my new results!


this test was pretty cool, there are more relevant(ish), day-to-day gifts than the previous one i took. HAHAHHA, i got 0 for celibacy.. :P hahha cannot see the words too small. :P the top of the list is poverty(voluntary), then followed by faith, writing, missionary and mercy of equal weightage. quite fun to take wan!!!!! :D i feel it's pretty accurate with what i feel about myself too... :)

take the test here..
http://www.kodachrome.org/spiritgift/

hahah then inspired by rachel, i took a personality test! turns out i'm sanquine phlegmatic, but 50% sanguine and 25% phlegmatic. so funny lar really, let me copy some definitions of a sanguine person here.

Sanguine
- too happy for some
- never grows up/always a child
- repeats stories
- sincere at heart
- loves people
- creative and colourful
- enthusiastic and expressive

Phlegmatic
- symphatetic and kind
- keeps emotions hidden
- has compassion and concern
- enjoys watching people
- happily reconciled to life
- lacks on discipline
- lazy and careless

yea, so the two are pretty contradictory, so i picked the phlegmatic characteristics i felt applied to me more... but okay, whatever they say! hahaha, i agree i'm more sanguine tho.. :P

so taking quizzes got kinda addictive, and because basil kept bringing up disney princesses in cg today, i went and took the quiz la. i know i'm so uncool right now... but haha! :P i am......

According to the answers you have just chosen you are most like the Disney Princess Pocahontas.

Pocahontas, the beautiful daughter of Chief Powahatan, is a playful free spirited young woman who knows every tree waterfall and wild creature in her forest home. With a name that means little mischief. Pocahontas loves adventure and excitement. Her curiosity and independence make her a strong girl whose passionate spirit touches and changes all those who know her.


okay i'm really going this time!!! gotta study chemystery!!! see youuuu soon!!!! :D

worth fighting for

HI! :D iactually went jogging today!!! feel so much healthier though my muscles are aching. gosh i used to run so much, and now, as i repeated a million times already, i'm just getting old, fat and lazy.

so today as i was in cf, a lot of thoughts popped up in my head, so i wrote them all down and thus i'm blogging now. first thing i realized as i listened to pastor cathryn was that there are so many difficult things to do in life really. the things that are worth fighting for are never easy, and while it adds some interesting twisty challenge to life, it's also really tiring. that if you want to make an impact in someone's life, you gotta keep at it and not give up. if you want good grades for your exam, you gotta study for them. if you wanna stop fighting, you gotta be the bigger person and say sorry first. and there are so many things even more difficult to do in life, like forgiving a cheating spouse, or working hard to provide for your family, and once again i have no idea which direction i'm typing to, but basically if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for. ;)

there are so many people in the world that backslide in their relationship with God. people who drop out of college. people who make the hugest mistakes, people who cannot forgive others anymore, people who have given up on life. i hear about these people and i feel so afraid, so discouraged, i wonder, will i beat the odds? i am so afraid of who i will be in ten years. will i be the same girl with the same ideals, spunk, spark, joy, simply older and wiser with more means to acheive my dreams? i guess i just see the 'fall' of others and am so afraid that i would fall too. i suppose one of my biggest fears in life is this, that at 67 years old, i will look back and regret the way i lived my life. that even in ten years time, i will be a completely different person. to some extent, i like who i am now, and i hope that i will always be this person, i mean with more experience and wisdom la but you get what i mean. :S maybe all it takes to bring us back to our feet when we fall is to remember, really remember the person we wanted to be when we were young. i like that scene in mr deeds where he asked everyone what they wanted to be when they grew up (when they were young) and what they were actually doing then. it's so scary really, the way all of them, and so many more people in the world end up differently that who they dreamt of becoming. people end up succumbing to routines, wealth, power, the 'easy way out'. as we get older we tend to stop dreaming big and that's just so sad really. so i am glad i have this blog, for post after post is a reminder to me from me to become a good person when i grow up. :) i want 16 year old me to be proud of the adult me. :)

but this blog really has done a lot in my life, writing out all my emotions and thoughts has brought me so much closer to God and it makes me feel better too la. :D

as Pastor Cathryn talked about how she knew her calling was to be a pastor and how since then she hasn't had any regrets made me feel so amazed in a sense. she's there you know, already at the place she wanted to be when she was young, a place where she could impact others in the way God intended her to. and i wondered, when will i be where God wants me to be, who God wants me to be? i mean the truth is, and i know, that i am where He wants me to be and He's still molding me to be who He wants me to be. this interesting thought occured to me then, maybe we weren't born to be someone, but we're molded to become that someone. like, so often we hear people say "oh you were born to do this" and certainly some talents are inborn, but for the most part, becoming 'someone' i believe, takes more of God's hand working in our everyday lives than God's hand working in our genetic makeup. it is experience that teaches us new things, guides us, strengthens us and draws us closer to God. but what i'm talking about is when will i finally become a doctor that can serve God by my work? when can i go reach out to the poor, the lost, the sick? for now, i'm just a student and i feel so completely useless. i know God has a plan for me now and His own timing for everything, but wouldn't it be cool if i was already the adult in the profession of His choice, and able to serve so much more then? do you get what i'm saying? i think i'm starting to confuse myself too.

but one thing i found extremely cool was that everyone has different callings. that God equipped us all with different powerful gifts, and the keyword here is different. like for example, pastor cathryn was called to lead, inspire and encourage as a pastor, but i know for sure that i am not called to be a pastor or a prophet or a nun la really. so far my spiritual gifts are compassion and voluntary poverty, which varied from everyone else who took the test the same time as me. and now i'm thinking, man, God is so creative! no two people are alike, while the genre of His gifts and His callings may coincide, the paths these people will eventually take is different. which is cool. in conclusion, my God, is really really cool. :)

nowadays we wouldn't really help a sickly man by the side of the road, or a hitch hiker on the highway right? we live in dangerous times and at's quite sad lor really, that the potential danger in so many things rob people of that spontaneous, genuine kindness, if you understand me. i remember asking my sister once a long time ago if she would pick up a sick, wounded hitch hiker. she thought about it hard and finally answered, "hmmm, can la but i'm gonna make him tie his wrists together. if he needs a ride so bad he wouldn't mind!" that's what the world's come too really, danger lurking at every corner. which i suppose, makes it even more beautiful when people step out beyond the 'safe' boundaries, trusting God and God alone to protect them. isn't that incredible?

i had this really creepy nightmare recently and when i was half awake after it, i remember praying so hard for God to take away my fear and stuff. sounds bit weird now i guess, but it was a really incredible experience for me. cause i realized once again how blessed i am to have a God to turn to when i am afraid, and knowing for sure sure that He is big enough to protect me. that He is greater than any other powers on earth. over the next few days when i would get afraid again, i would remember that truly, Jesus is with me and no one can be against me. i find myself praying more lately, and i love it. i love how my devotions are getting back on track, which just brings me more in love with God really, He's been so real lately and i love Him so much more now. i really believe that the ever-increasing love we as Christians have for God can only become stronger by God. as in, He will give us the love for Him kinda thing? that's why i really like some of the bm praise and worship songs that are so sincere and honest. "ku mau cinta Yesus selamanya (i WANT to love Jesus forever)", and surrendering this desire to God patiently, i can gurantee that you will begin to love Jesus in a whole new way, more like the way He loves you. :)

pastor cathryn shared something really eye-opening today. she talked on luke 10:25-37, the story of the good samaritan who was a neighbour to the man in need as opposed to the priest and the Levite who simply walked past without doing anything. and all of us thought that we were definitely more like the samaritan than the priest and the levite. but then pastor cathryn quoted a book by gary holden, who spoke on how watching the news of terrible things across the world simply felt unreal. that though he was sad about it, it simply wasn't as real as if his family had been the one to get hurt, and it wasn't as real as if he was there himself. and man i so identified with that!!! then pastor cathryn said, how many of us can watch these horrid things going on in the world and still carry on with our lives unchanged, undisturbed, uncompassionate? and i went whoa.. never thought of it that way! but i'm brought to a place of frustration again, as i earlier mentioned. God's given me all the spiritual and emotional resources, but where i am now is just now suitable to be doing these works, helping other people in ways that i have only ever dreamed of. sigh, i don't have an answer here either except that i suppose God's teaching me to be patient, and perhaps to open my eyes even bigger to the needs of those around me.

"All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing."
- a quote by a famous person but i forgot who :P

sometimes we really just gotta stop thinking, and just take that leap of faith. JUST DO IT has a lot of truth and wisdom in it, SOMETIMES la.

OUG cg members are so nice!!! i love em all to pieces already la now!!! :D

love ya loads dear reader,
candice! :D

learning to fly

well it's gonna be a sleepless night of bio for me. :(

but still, i really needed to post this up. if you've been around me lately, you've probably heard me whining, groaning, complaining, and whatever else constitutes irritating repetitive talking about university. to be honest the stress has been overwhelming and i feel so so exhausted, so scared to trust in God. i've mentioned here before that i kept getting prompted by God that i would get a space in the university of my choice, but this time it's just so much more difficult to trust Him at all. because if this doesn't come true when i've put my whole heart into believing it, i think i'm gonna crumble and my faith's gonna be shaken. truth is i'm really terrified about my future now, just clouded by worry every day, each test result reminding me to stress even more. statistically speaking, i probably can't get a space while competing with the other really talented people in college. but spending some time with God today taught, no reminded, me this.

" Wait Israel, for God. Wait with hope. Hope now; hope always!"
- Psalms 131:3 (MSG)

"Thank God! He deserves your thanks.
His love never quits.
Thank the God of all gods,
His love never quits.
Thank the Lord of all lords.
His love never quits.

Thank the miracle-working God,
His love never quits.
The God whose skill formed the cosmos,
His love never quits.
The God who laid out earth on ocean foundations,
His love never quits.
The God who filled the skies with light,
His love never quits.
The sun to watch over the day,
His love never quits.
Moon and stars as guardians of the night,
His love never quits.
The God who struck down the Egyptian firstborn,
His love never quits.
And rescued Israel from Egypt's oppression,
His love never quits.
Took Israel in hand with his powerful hand,
His love never quits.
Split the Red Sea right in half,
His love never quits.
Led Israel right through the middle,
His love never quits.
Dumped Pharaoh and his army in the sea,
His love never quits.
The God who marched his people through the desert,
His love never quits.
Smashed huge kingdoms right and left,
His love never quits.
Struck down the famous kings,
His love never quits.
Struck Sihon the Amorite king,
His love never quits.
Struck Og the Bashanite king,
His love never quits.
Then distributed their land as booty,
His love never quits.
Handed the land over to Israel.
His love never quits.

God remembered us when we were down,
His love never quits.
Rescued us from the trampling boot,
His love never quits.
Takes care of everyone in time of need.
His love never quits.
Thank God, who did it all!
His love never quits! "
- Psalms 136 (MSG)

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and His rule.
You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
You're blessed when you've worked out a good appetite for God, He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.
You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full', you find yourselves cared for.
You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.
You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom."
- The Beatitudes, Matthew 5:3-10, (MSG)

and i also remembered this old quote from pleasefindthis.blogspot.com -
"You are not there. Somewhere in the future, suffering for something that hasn't happened yet. You are not there, in a place where all worries manifest.

You are not there. Somewhere in the past, reliving your old mistakes and regrets. You are not there, in a place where memories ressurect.

You are here. Right here."

basically all of the above reminded me not to worry right now. i am HERE and NOW, and there are things for me to do now. i'm not gonna let satan win by letting worry pull down my spirits. i mean saying "don't worry" is super easy, but from reading all these things above i feel a sense of peace beginning to fight the worry. God's there you know, telling me that He's gonna take care of me. and be it IMU or Monash, it's all gonna be in His will for me. so i guess my idea of 'trusting Him' has been a bit distorted and selfish. right now i want to just surrender, really just give it all to God, because He can take it, and i can't. there's something so humbling and comforting to read the words "His love never quits" so many times.

so today Lord, thank You for reminding me that i'm still human. that though sometimes i like to think i'm superhuman and that i am indestructible, thank You for bringing me to a place of complete surrender, for pushing me to need You and ultimately of reminding me that You are my God, and that Your love never quits. thank You Lord for the quiet strength and the lessons i have learnt. most of all, thank You, for being You. :)

thanking God for this life,
candice

defying gravity

i really have to study for PHYSIKS tomoro but i really had the need to blog!!! haha?

SPIRIT FM IS UP AND RUNNING! I'M SO HAPPY PTLOMS! every other radio station just doesn't cut it for me la, so noisy terrible music only.

so i had a good morning cause tan su-lin suprised us with her rare presence!!!! ahahahah, the four of us were so crazy to be together again, but pearly was like a floor below us in l2 at children's ministry. lol, still we have dinner arranged for next week (hopefully all goes well). hahah i was filled with this joy today, i know it sounds so serious and deep and formal, but i was super duper happy lor somehow. like the disappointment and gahness i've been feeling just went away with the presence of my awesome friends! we were really close back then, but that's the funny thing about our CAR ParK. we're like super close when we're together though we can grow apart very easily. but everytime we come back together again it's as if we've never been apart. that's why i picked defying gravity as this post's topic, :P , cause in the world and in my life even, it's so easy and common for friendships to break apart completely from lack of time spent together, or contact, or constant updates and stuff.but somehow that never happened to us, our friendship is very unique somehow,and i love it, i love that even though we aren't in each others face 24/7, i know i can always fall back on them and rely on them to give me the Godly counsel i require in my life, friends who go through the same things i've going through, yet such different things. like amanda likes to say, we're all so different really, yet we mix so well. hahaha, i just feel really blessed to have CAR ParK in my life.


and also, i remember how we were discussing how much difference a cg leader could make in someone's life over dinner that day with terry. and josh shared with me after about how sam noticed him first too, and that made all the difference. so i was thinking, who helped me get started? who played the biggest role in making me who i am today? to some extent, i feel it was roxanne, who was always there for me, to help me realize right and wrong and stuff. but i think the people that had the most influence on my life, the people who are 'responsible' in that sense for who i am today are these people, amanda, pearly, kat and rachel. because of them i was able to grow so much deeper with God and i understood what it meant to have support and love and fellowship around me. you know, today after we were talking i just spent a while reflecting, thinking about how far each of us have come. we all became close early form 4, and we're in college and form 6 now, it's been more than two years we've been good friends. and in that two years, i would have to say that we all really went through some tough times, some good times, but for sure, a lot of changes in between. and i am truly so proud of each one of them, how they are so naturally beautiful and strong inside out, and how they persevere and stand their ground in every circumstance. so today i thank You God, for incredible friends, who i could not have made through the past few years without. :)

anand shared this in spiritual gifts class today, and i just really liked it, somehow.
"Everybody was made in the image of God, and therefore there is good in everybody." i know it's a fact and not even all that dressed up to sound like a wow sentence, but the truth of it made me feel so WOW. God is everything that is good and holy and perfect, and today i felt so overwhelmed by His goodness. when i was younger i could not understand how people could get on their knees and just proclaim so honestly how much their loved Jesus and about how holy He is. i mean i know He's holy and all, and i love Jesus too, but not so passionately perhaps. and only as i'm growing older and straonger with God that i feel that love for Him growing so strong too. that as His peace surrounds me and His love overwhelms me, i cannot imagine loving someone else more. and then i thought about where i would be in the last few years and today if there wasn't God in my life. and i cringed, i actually drew back and felt so scared and i dunno, but it was like a huge discomforting kinda feeling. because i know that ultimately, although there have been so much help along the way too, ultimately, i am who i am today because of God. and to imagine my life without Him anymore just makes me feel so upset, so unsafe, so terrified, so ugly even. i have a feeling that all the values i hold on strongly to know would not exist without God constantly pouring His values into me first. and for the first time, i can say with all conviction, that i am everything i am today because i know Jesus. and He is so holy, so perfect and that keeps me in speechless awe.

you know, what separates Christianity from any other religion in the world is this, that Jesus,the God of Gods who belonged in the holy seats of heaven, came down to take the punishment meant for us, the punishment fit for a murderer, a rapist and a thief. and He is the only way to heaven, becaue He paid the price for our lives and with His beautiful outstretched arms He is asking you to accept His enormous gift of love. i am just really amazed by Jesus.

and i realized that what makes a lot of difficult things difficult is the time needed to make it work. we live in an era of instance, of immediate supply. fast food's a good example! and when we say we want to change the world, or even change one life, we may tend to forget that while it needs initiative, it needs effort, courage, God definitely, it also requires time. nelson mandela spent 27 years in prison. william wilberforce fought 26 years before the slave trade was abolished. and i guess in some perspective, it took me 16 years to be where i am now, to know what i know now, to learn the lessons i did. and to make a difference, one that can inspire people and change lives forvermore, we're gonna need more than a day or a week. we may have to invest months and years into it, but it's gonna be so worth it.

this might or might not serve as a good example, but it's one i really value in my life. in going for all my MADU meetings, i feel like i've become rather attached to one of the girls there. her name is sabrina and she often had a sour face and refused to play the games and stuff. but i sat with her and just became her friend. to be honest i didn't do much but the consistency did her good i think. i felt really close to her in a way, like she became my kid. :) she referred to me as HER kak while fighting for me yesterday, something that made me feel really touched. :P she was also more bully than bullied in the orphanage. and so i bought her this notebook and wrapped it really colourful with her name on it and wrote her a pretty long emssage inside about my hopes for her and the goodness i see in her. she was so happy to receive it that i was so happy too. :) and one thing that made me really BLAH was that i didn't have presents for all the kids there and a lot of them actually came up to me and ASKED for a present and i just had to say i didn't bring enough. goo was so funny tho, he just stood in front of me and said to the kid BYE! after i apologetically said i didn't had enough but the kid was still sad faced in front of me. but when i was going to give another little girl a present, i was afraid sabrina would get jealous that she wasn't the only one i had in mind kinda thing, but instead she really stepped up and tried pulling the other kids that i didn't have anything for away. acting like my bodyguard or something. haha, but she's so adorable really. then these two other girls i was semi close to asked for presents too so i crumbled and said i only had one present left-a hairband and i t was actually meant for another girl. but goo went on to ask them if they would share it, can anot wor? then they said can! one of the girl was quite a bully and violent one, so i was kinda afraid she wouldn't share it with the other smaller girl. so when i handed that to the more violent girl, i was so suprised at her kindness, that before she even tried it on, she ran to the little girl and put the hairband on her head. people really do step up when you least expect them to you know? :)

yea so i sidetracked ALOT i know, but my point was, in just 6 weeks, well actually 5, cause she didn't come for one week, well actually 5 days then, 5 ,or maybe even less, mornings in fact, that we broke down some of the walls between us, that from a really glum moody girl, she smiled so much more on the last day, and from refusing to even touch me in the first few times, we parted with an extremely tight hug and the smile on her face really did radiate her beauty. the children there are so beautiful really, and i remember sitting there thinking, there are artists here, and dancer, and chefs, and geniuses here, if only they have the chance to do greater things with their lives. gosh i hope so much that they would work hard and use their God-given talents to do so much more. and when goo asked me if i would miss them, like honestly, i knew in my heart that i would more than anything miss the opportunity to be in their lives and watch them grow to become incredible, beautiful people with so much to offer the world. and it's hard to let go after so many weeks of going there, of just hanging out with them. so yea, you could say i'm gonna miss them, cause i think i will too.

"they didn't just love God, they loved people too."
- and that is essentially our call as Christians, and it is what will make a difference in the lives of others, the difference that shows that God lives in us.

i made a promise to someone today. no scratch that, i made a PINKY promise. and i intend on keeping it, even when i don't want to, even if it gets difficult. :)

JESUS I LOVE YOU!!! :) thank You for this life, for leading me to the light, to You, to letting me live a beautiful life. thank You for everything and i really do love You!!! :D :D

All About You by Hillsongs United
Hear our praises,
Hear Your people sing
Hear our hearts cry,
Your love is everything

And all will hear this sound
As the nations turn to You
And this will be our anthem

Cause we're all about You
And the world You promised
And all we have will give you praise
Cause we're all about You
And the world can't stop us
Living Your Way
Always

Let our hearts break,
As we praise your name
Let the earth shake,
This is the sound of faith

And all will hear this sound
As the nations turn to You
And this will be our anthem

Cause we're all about You
And the world You promised
And all we have will give you praise
Cause we're all about You
And the world can't stop us
Living Your Way
Always

And the walls will fall down
and religion will break
And the nations will hear this shout
Can you hear the sound of faith?

Cause we're all about You
Cause we're all about You


keep that chin up,
candice! :D

commitment

today i had to own up to my failures like up front. as with a lot of things i know aren't going too right in my life, like slacking in studies or leadership or my walk with God, i KNOW it's not where it should be but i need the big blow to get moving. for so long, being a cg leader has been at the least of the priorities. i'm really ashamed of this, but like nixon once said, be honest and shame the devil. i don't call my members or know all of them by name, and my commitment to leadership in church went only as far as attending meetings. being a leader just wasn't as easy as i thought i would be. i remember arguing with my mum, begging her to let me be a leader the previous year, so sure that it was what i was meant to do. but she didn't so i only became a leader this year. but seven months down the line already, and i'm thinking what do i have to show for it? what difference have i made as a leader? and i know the answer, nothing.

but, there's two ways to face failure, one way is to stand up and try harder, and the other is to run. and i believe that the decision you make at that point says a LOT about who you are.

so many times in this blog i've talked about fighting back, of hanging on and trying again. and i realize now how easy it is to just write those words, words that sound good, but are lacking in honesty and emotion. the truth is, i do feel like a failure now. and there are people i know who will straightaway say, no you're not. which is why i chose to blog about this before talking about it to anyone, cause i know what they'd say already. but i know what i need to hear, which is i am a failure right now. and i have to pull myself back up again. and all excuses for my behaviour aside, i know i gotta stop acting the way i do.

terry said everything i exactly needed to hear today, reminding me of my duty as a leader. i was genuinely inspired to start doing better, but the disappointment at myself is really great too. i've become someone i never wanted to be. there are days that i can really like who i am and be so content with all that i'm doing and feel good about myself, but other days when i can't stand to be me, to be in my skin any longer. today, i remembered that i am not as 'good enough' as i thought i was. and disappointment in myself is a big thing for me to face really, but i am very much encouraged by terry's words, as he told me that i was meant to go through this, that leadership is in my calling. and that was the most impactful thing i've heard all day.

when i think about 'calling' right, i wonder if my calling is this. why is it so difficult to do the job well? i mean, compared to serving with refugees or going to the orphanage, i never get 'tired' of doing that. but then i realized, nothing worth doing was ever easy. the truth is, i've lived a rather large part of my life the easy way, things always came easy and i don't think there was something i ever really worked my heart out on. but now i feel i must, i am reminded of why i chose to join this team in the first place and i truly DON'T WANT to waste the remaining little time we have together. if i get to go to australia, i will be here for 6 more months. so much can be done in half a year. i don't want to give up here, i don't want to go on like this, i want to start fighting back. if God can create the world in seven days, then His daughter should be able to fix things in six months.

'leadership comes with a price' and the investing in the lives of others is a powerful, important investment. truly.

so why am i writing this all here? i've never liked to reveal too much about the things that make me sad and stuff here. but firstly, i really had to get this out la. and secondly, it's because i know that we all face failure. and maybe you've given up on trying again at all. maybe all you needed is just a bit of inspiration to move forward. so i whatever aspect of your life in which you've stop trying, even if it's as simple as you've given up trying to be that irritating person's friend, then we should all TRY AGAIN. people are the most valuable things in this world. remember that k? and they are most certainly worth fighting for.

this has made me recount a lot of the failures in my life, moments where i didn't give my best and thus not carry my duties out well. there are some things that are easy for me to do, that i take pleasure in doing and i always thought that that was service enough. but i realize now that the heart of serving lies in perseverance and never giving up. there are 4 more months before i sit for my final exams. please o Lord, i truly need Your guidance now, Your strength, Your hope. the thing about inspiration is, it's very easily let go, and two months down the line, you probably will lose the inital inspiration. sigh.

Dear God,
i'm really sorry for not carrying out the responsibilities that you have bestowed upon me properly. and Lord, i know that i will stumble without Your hand guiding me through the next few months. Lord Jesus, i just pray that you would give me a heart for your people, the determination to move forward and the perseverance to hang on. i pray that you let the discouragement i feel now push me forward, to greater heights for Your name. and Lord i truly thank You for this wake-up call to remind me about what's important in life. give me the faith, God i pray, to believe that if i surrender the next 6 months to You, that You can do wonders through me. o God, please help me through this!!! thank You Jesus for always being there for me, even when i couldn't feel it. help me now Lord i pray,
Amen

trying again,
candice

from my window

"Being gifted doesn't mean you have been given something. It means that you have something to give."
- www.pleasfindthis.blogspot.com
can you sing? or draw or dance or eat or fly? use it. use it to change the world. we have all been blessed with gifts in this life and we are called to GO. to give it to the world, to make it a better place. :)

have you ever felt SO MUCH HAPPIER giving good things to people rather than being on the receiving end? i have, everytime. :)

i still believe in the goodness of people, that if even the world's worst criminal could love one other person, then goodness can still prevail.

there are times when i get scared of the devil, when i am afraid of being tempted to being less than who God has called me to be, to sink lower than what i least expect from myself. and he seems so evil and disgusting and scary, but then i turn around, and see Jesus in my life. and He radiates goodness and love and awesomeness, and i am certain that i am safe. safe in the arms of my Jesus, my God. and i am forevermore sure, that God is more powerfull than evil, that darkness is merely the absence of light and that goodness can always prevail.

"So Jesus arose and followed him, and so did His disciples. And suddenly, a woman who had a flow of blood for twelve years came from behind and touched the hem of His garment. For she said to herself, "If only I may touch His garment, I shall be made well." But Jesus turned around, and when He saw her He said, "Be of good cheer, daughter; your faith has made you well." And the woman was made well from that hour."
-Matthew 9:19-22

this story is one of the most famous stories in the Bible, the lady with the issue of blood. and reading an interpretation of it yesterday made me see it in a completely new light. her faith was so great, she pushed her way through the crowd with one goal in mind, to simply touch the hem of Jesus' robe. and she fought her way through, determined and desperate. and i am so amazed, i don't think i possess such faith. i want to i truly do, but honestly i don't know if i would have went so far just hoping to touch His robe. but that's the thing. maybe people just do 'crazy' things when they're desperate. maybe we gotta be stretched thin and pushed until we wanna explode before we sum up the courage or the need to do things like this. maybe faith is simply being desperate for God and holding on to Him through every circumstance. but one thing's for sure, the things we do out of love, out of desperation, are truly beautiful. and it reminds us all what the human spirit is capable of.

i find my writings quite naive. but i like it this way, i like me this way, perhaps it's the growing up in life that stops us from dreaming and believing in magic. maybe we gotta go back and find the heart of the child in us, succumb to the innocence and simply dream the 'impossible' again. it is by the dreams of men that aeroplanes can fly, that equal rights for mankind can be obtained, that we have cooked food to eat. :) isn't life simply wonderful?

PEOPLE I ADMIRE #1
- Joseph Kibunja

i cut out the article about them last year and kept it! but somehow i can't find it now so i'm just gonna talk about them from what i remember la k! Henry Wanyoike is a blind runner and has been blind since he was a child. but he managed to pull himself up out of the darkness and took up running marathons and he does so REALLY WELL too! he run in various competitions like the Paralympics as well i think. sorry i'm bit blur on details. if you haven't heard of him before, you're probably wondering, how does he do it? he does so by following Joseph Kibunja, his guide. they are tied together loosely at the wrist so that henry can know which direction to go according to where joseph runs. Joseph is a quiet, gentle man who didn't start out as a runner and took years of training before he could match Henry's pace. and that's the amazing thing. while henry gets the spotlight often, as he should for it is truly a courageous thing for him to pursue his dreams despite his condition, and also to do so much for charity - they started a charity of giving cows(i think) to poor families. He is a man to be deeply admired. :)

but behind the story is another man, who stands on the sidelines in comparison, but does not mind being there. he is strong and content with his life, hugely generous and so willing to sacrifice for others. he gave up a large part of his life to help henry acheive his dreams, and worked hard to do so too. this is the kind of person i aspire to be, who loves extravagantly and gives freely. :) Joseph Kibunja is an inspiration to us all, that we should not only live for our dreams but also for the dreams of others. that a deep contentment comes from seeing other reach their goals, and knowing we did all that we can to help them get there. that life should be led like this, with others placed of higher importance than us, that we were placed here to serve other people, out of love. :)

"Anthropology teaches us that the Alpha male is the man wearing the crown, displaying the most colorful plumage, and the shiniest baubles, he stands out from the others. But I now think that anthropology may have it wrong. In working with Booth, I have come to realize that the quiet man -- the invisible man, that man who is always there for friends and family -- that's the real Alpha male. And I promise that my eyes will never be caught by those shiny baubles again."
- Bones

"And everyone, somewhere, is someone, if we only give them a chance. "
- www.pleasefindthis.blogspot.com

this is the new view from my window, thanks to my mum!!! :D :D sunflower overload sudah, "too much of a good thing can make you sick".. hahha i still love em so much, they're so so gorgeous but i think thats enough sunflowers for now!!! :P


there's always a reason to be happy,
candice :)

the things you accomplish when you don't sleep

POST NUMBER 100!!!! *giggles!*

wow, there's been so much i've been meaning to blog about. but so MUCH so that it would take so long and i was so lazy. but i'm in a good mood today cause had a pretty productive afternoon/evening! :)

i started the day with FRIEND DAY at prayer meeting, and i love it! i believe the idea came from God lor, and it felt really good to pray for other instead of ourselves for once, hopefully from now on for at least once a week! :) john, joe, jenna, jane, jenny, jeveryone, and anyone else i missed out, GOD BLESS YOU SO MUCH!!! :)

so what i wanted to blog about was about all the movies and videos i've been watching in english for our creative writing assignment. so far we've watched precious, nickelback's mv - savin'me and half of taken. my heart was so KAN CHEONG during taken that i think it STOPPED for a while when we had to stop halfway. LIKE BLEHHH!and i've been rereading one child and tiger's child by torey hayden and it's brought up many thought-provoking feelings too!

hmm firstly, i happy to say that i'm getting my devotions back on track, it's super different this time somehow! i don't know how i reached the point of CHANGE, be it how upset i was about my growing gauge and BURP, or it it was alex's sharing on devotions, but i remember it started with a prayer and an initiative to move past the discomfort and laziness of doing devotions. and now i feel like i'm reading the Bible for the first time and it's become easier in a sense to talk to God. i've always had the desire to spend time with Him in me, but i never pursued it, cause of laziness and etc, but i succumbed to that desire a few days back and it feels amazing. i'm happier in a peacefuller way than usual. :) and so i guess what i'm saying is i'm trying again. and you should too if you're stuck where i was. God is so awesome you'll be blown away. :)

thank You God, for being You. for loving me even when i couldn't love myself. for forgiving me of all the things i'm ashamed of. for giving me a second chance for the trillionth time. thank You for this life that can be spent with You in worship. thank You for the little blessings along the way and the struggles too that remind me how human i am and how great You are. did i mention You rock and You're really awesome? :) i love You daddy God!! :D

"Although I was heartsick about the incident, a strange feeling twinged in me. Five months earlier, Sheila had been the abuser and someone else had been the victim. Undoubtedly the boy's parents had felt very much the same way as Chad was now feeling toward Jerry. While it did not by any means excuse the gross inhumanity of the crime, it made me aware that the hurt and the damage i found in Sheila was probably in Jerry too. Neither was innocent, but neither was solely evil either. I was sadly plagued by knowing that Jerry was undoubtedly just as much a victim as Sheila. This made things so much more complicated."
- Torey Hayden, One Child

could it be that circumstances, terrible unspeakable ones, could change who you are forever? that someone like sheila or jerry, if brought up in a loving, caring environment, might not have turned out so? and i find that extremely upsetting, and also scary, cause i'm thinking, would i still be me under different circumstances? under the painful, despicable, inhumane things sheila has been put through? cause i think the answer'd be no. and i'm brought to a place of why? i ask it so often, and i probably know the answer, but still the ache is there, so, why? why was i meant to live so blessed-ly and sheila so horribly? even biology says that environmental factors account for who you become. isn't it so humbling yet terrifying to realize that the human spirit isn't indestructible? it isn't unbreakable. we are not untouchable, we are exposed to pain and love each day, in different measures. and if you're reading this waiting for my grand answer, i don't have one. i've never been so confused really. but i think, that Jesus is the answer. and though He brings healing, and peace, and the greatest love that overpowers all evil, life still hurts. i guess that's just life you know?

still it's impossible to read these books and not be so in awe of torey hayden. the boston globe describes her as " Torey Hayden deserves the kind of respect i can't give many people. She isn't just valuable, she's incredible. The world needs more like Torey Hayden." wow, she's such an inspiration really. and to think, what did she do that brought about such a difference? she sacrificed her time and loved freely and unconditionally. (in case you didn't know, torey hayden works with severely disturbed/mentally handicapped/emotionally disturbed children) and there are so many people in this world that could survive, could be secure and happy and confident, if more people were like torey, simply by listening and loving. these children just need time and patience, and she has proved it over and over and over again. sure, it's taxing, and difficult, but wow, life after life is forever altered because of her. what if we all, took the time to listen too? what if we all gave a little more love too?(i know i'm talking in circles repetitively again, but i'm always at a loss for proper sentences when it comes to things i really care about.)

does everyone deserve a second chance? people like precious' mum, hitler, jack the ripper etc. did you know that the gas they used to kill the jews back then hurt like super terribly instead of just making them sleep? and it made blood come out of their eyes and nose and all. some people just don't deserve forgiveness la. at least i mean, i don't think i can forgive em. but who am i to judge right? that's what grace means i suppose, Jesus forgave everything and for every sin in the world, He was tortured, and He made us whole again.

ACHO, SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA FIGHT LA. some mistakes gotta be made. :)

in precious, a question was raised. should she have kept the baby she got from her father by rape, or should she have given him up for adoption, though she loved him? at 16 (?) she had her whole life ahead of her, well sort of, but we were discussing it in class that day. should she have given him up for adoption so she could make something more of herself? and the big question was, in her shoes, what would you do? hmm, i thought about it hard, and i decided. i would keep the baby. firstly i'm sure even if it wasn't part of my plan, it's part of God's plan for me somehow. and the baby needs love kay. and i remember sitting in that classroom thinking, there are mothers in this world that will fight to the bone to protect their children, mothers who can lift cars off their toddlers, mothers who will do anything for the good of their babies. so why, hypothetically, can't i be like them? I KNOW THIS IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE, but if it can be done, if i know it's right, i'm certain that i will find the courage to do it, hypothetically. cause courage is simply making a decision and sticking to it no matter what.

hahahh i got home from listening to some pretty gruesome accident stories from my dad. and it was funny, i realized today my dad was a kid once too. a kid like me. and this is my mature, experienced, smart, brilliant dad i'm talking about! haha i found it really cool la, that he was a kid once too. which made me wonder where i'd be in 40 years. hahahha, will i be cool and brilliant too? ;P

anyways i'm so tired of typing dey, gonna go now! keep smiling kay!!! and remember that when you look closely enough, people truly are beautiful. :)

"All the rest came
They tried to make me laugh
They played games with me
Some games for fun and some
For real and for keeps.
And then they went away
Leaving me in the ruins of the games
Not knowing which were for fun
And which were for keeps and
Leaving me with the echos of
Laughter that wasn't mine.
Then you came
With your funny way of being
Not quite human
And you made me cry.
And you didn't seem to care if i did,
You just said the games were over
And waited
Until all my tears turned into
Joy. "
- Love, by Sheila, One Child

walking on sunshine,
candice