you know what? i think i'm addicted to blogging, addicted to throwing out all my thoughts and spring cleaning my brainspace. tsk tsk!
this is something that's been on my head lately.. i wrote a letter to myself on 24th September 2009 addressed to me in 24th September 2010. and recently i opened the box where i kept it and the sticker wasn't sticky anymore so it was half opened and i could read a few lines from that half-open slit. so i figured fine la, just read only la! it was just a month plus earlier. and there were some pretty usual stuff in there, reminding me of who i am and stuff like that. but i guess what hit me most was me telling, well myself, that i(2009) was sitting for SPM and waiting to shift house and awaiting the arrival of my purple and green chair. i then asked myself(2010) how i did for SPM. and i remember thinking back then that 2010 me would know the answer to that, and i know it sounds bit weird and confusing, but i just reflected a bit on how far i've come since 2009. i am so certain that i'm wiser and older now, but what remained in my head the MOST was...
where will i be on the 24th of Spetember 2011?
will i still be here, on my purple and green chair typing out my latest revelation in life? or will i be in australia, independent, a medical student? i mean, i'm preparing for the biggest change in my life so far and i am kinda terrified. where will i be in one years time? i expressed my frustration to mich today, and as i kept complaining she finally 'shouted', YOU'LL BE AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY LA. (24th September in coincidentally her birthday, i knew that) haha, and that made me smile, somehow. :D
anyways, today i was getting stressed out again, worried about my results. did i improve since the last report or get much worse? tomorrow we will know chem test results and 65% of our maths internal score. honestly, i am super terrified. and while worrying about other things as well, i received a text from a really good friend of mine. "Why are you downcast, 'o' my soul? Why so disturbed within me? I will put my hope in the Lord for i will wait on Him, my God and my Saviour" - Psalms 43:5 (i'm quoting this from memory so i may have a few words wrong). and then i just wasn't so worried anymore. everytime i started to get stressed again, i will think Why so downcast 'o' my soul? and i will remember that above every circumstance, God is still in control over my life. and whether i stay or go next year, it's all gonna be up to Him. :) like the post before this, i am pushing the rock, praying for God to move it, but this time, certain that no matter what, i will be where God wants me to be.
and this weekend, i learnt just how fragile life is. when a life is taken, we always think, nah these kinda things don't happen to me, this only happens in movies. i thought that funerals were only attended when you were an adult, and when it simply became a part of life. i was reminded, that a life can be taken anytime, and we really have to live it to the fullest everyday, or miss out, when it's too late. and most importantly, to truly appreciate everyone around us, before we can't anymore.
"Heroes are made when you make a choice"
- Hero, Superchick
i just came back from the ramadhan bazaar near my house cause my mum wanted to go. we ended up going to the mini mart in the apartments nearby, and i thought it was pretty cool. i liked seeing the kids play with one another and people chatting over vegetables there, it was a real community sorta feel you know? and me and my mum were so super duper blur about how to make the stringy agar-agar so we asked a few people and they were all so friendly. :) can you believe my mum barely knows how to speak bm anymore? hahaha, but after that she taught me how to squeeze santan out of dried coconut er.. isi, and it was pretty cool! she's passing on to me what her mum taught her, and i found that really neat. :) my mum's a really incredible person, despite all the arguments we have over the littlest things. she was brought up in hardship and trials and she's tough now. though she has a car she would rather sit the bus, mostly cause she's afraid of driving, but still, it's just humbling in a way. she would go to all the roadside shopes and know her way around chee cheong kai, and bargain for the lowest prices, and sew and cook, and just do so many things. though she lives a more privileged life now, she never really lives that way, with certain exceptions la but still, i admire that raw toughness and simplicity in her, that a bowl of PJ ha min would make her happier than bars of gold. :) she's also super friendly and knows all the nasi lemak woman, the newspaper lady, the chicken rice man etc., and i somehow never forgot how she randomly gave an old lady who was walking alone money for lunch one day. i think she must have felt prompting from God or just compassion, and i was very touched that i never forgot it, though i was just a kid then. she's real generous too, and her gifts can be quite extravagant. and i like that she's more or less in some ways, passed on that spirit to us, and that she has kept us humble. i love you mummy, though i know i don't say it enough. :) thank you for being one of the reasons i am who i am today. :D
praying for strength,
candice
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