commitment

today i had to own up to my failures like up front. as with a lot of things i know aren't going too right in my life, like slacking in studies or leadership or my walk with God, i KNOW it's not where it should be but i need the big blow to get moving. for so long, being a cg leader has been at the least of the priorities. i'm really ashamed of this, but like nixon once said, be honest and shame the devil. i don't call my members or know all of them by name, and my commitment to leadership in church went only as far as attending meetings. being a leader just wasn't as easy as i thought i would be. i remember arguing with my mum, begging her to let me be a leader the previous year, so sure that it was what i was meant to do. but she didn't so i only became a leader this year. but seven months down the line already, and i'm thinking what do i have to show for it? what difference have i made as a leader? and i know the answer, nothing.

but, there's two ways to face failure, one way is to stand up and try harder, and the other is to run. and i believe that the decision you make at that point says a LOT about who you are.

so many times in this blog i've talked about fighting back, of hanging on and trying again. and i realize now how easy it is to just write those words, words that sound good, but are lacking in honesty and emotion. the truth is, i do feel like a failure now. and there are people i know who will straightaway say, no you're not. which is why i chose to blog about this before talking about it to anyone, cause i know what they'd say already. but i know what i need to hear, which is i am a failure right now. and i have to pull myself back up again. and all excuses for my behaviour aside, i know i gotta stop acting the way i do.

terry said everything i exactly needed to hear today, reminding me of my duty as a leader. i was genuinely inspired to start doing better, but the disappointment at myself is really great too. i've become someone i never wanted to be. there are days that i can really like who i am and be so content with all that i'm doing and feel good about myself, but other days when i can't stand to be me, to be in my skin any longer. today, i remembered that i am not as 'good enough' as i thought i was. and disappointment in myself is a big thing for me to face really, but i am very much encouraged by terry's words, as he told me that i was meant to go through this, that leadership is in my calling. and that was the most impactful thing i've heard all day.

when i think about 'calling' right, i wonder if my calling is this. why is it so difficult to do the job well? i mean, compared to serving with refugees or going to the orphanage, i never get 'tired' of doing that. but then i realized, nothing worth doing was ever easy. the truth is, i've lived a rather large part of my life the easy way, things always came easy and i don't think there was something i ever really worked my heart out on. but now i feel i must, i am reminded of why i chose to join this team in the first place and i truly DON'T WANT to waste the remaining little time we have together. if i get to go to australia, i will be here for 6 more months. so much can be done in half a year. i don't want to give up here, i don't want to go on like this, i want to start fighting back. if God can create the world in seven days, then His daughter should be able to fix things in six months.

'leadership comes with a price' and the investing in the lives of others is a powerful, important investment. truly.

so why am i writing this all here? i've never liked to reveal too much about the things that make me sad and stuff here. but firstly, i really had to get this out la. and secondly, it's because i know that we all face failure. and maybe you've given up on trying again at all. maybe all you needed is just a bit of inspiration to move forward. so i whatever aspect of your life in which you've stop trying, even if it's as simple as you've given up trying to be that irritating person's friend, then we should all TRY AGAIN. people are the most valuable things in this world. remember that k? and they are most certainly worth fighting for.

this has made me recount a lot of the failures in my life, moments where i didn't give my best and thus not carry my duties out well. there are some things that are easy for me to do, that i take pleasure in doing and i always thought that that was service enough. but i realize now that the heart of serving lies in perseverance and never giving up. there are 4 more months before i sit for my final exams. please o Lord, i truly need Your guidance now, Your strength, Your hope. the thing about inspiration is, it's very easily let go, and two months down the line, you probably will lose the inital inspiration. sigh.

Dear God,
i'm really sorry for not carrying out the responsibilities that you have bestowed upon me properly. and Lord, i know that i will stumble without Your hand guiding me through the next few months. Lord Jesus, i just pray that you would give me a heart for your people, the determination to move forward and the perseverance to hang on. i pray that you let the discouragement i feel now push me forward, to greater heights for Your name. and Lord i truly thank You for this wake-up call to remind me about what's important in life. give me the faith, God i pray, to believe that if i surrender the next 6 months to You, that You can do wonders through me. o God, please help me through this!!! thank You Jesus for always being there for me, even when i couldn't feel it. help me now Lord i pray,
Amen

trying again,
candice