HI! :D iactually went jogging today!!! feel so much healthier though my muscles are aching. gosh i used to run so much, and now, as i repeated a million times already, i'm just getting old, fat and lazy.
so today as i was in cf, a lot of thoughts popped up in my head, so i wrote them all down and thus i'm blogging now. first thing i realized as i listened to pastor cathryn was that there are so many difficult things to do in life really. the things that are worth fighting for are never easy, and while it adds some interesting twisty challenge to life, it's also really tiring. that if you want to make an impact in someone's life, you gotta keep at it and not give up. if you want good grades for your exam, you gotta study for them. if you wanna stop fighting, you gotta be the bigger person and say sorry first. and there are so many things even more difficult to do in life, like forgiving a cheating spouse, or working hard to provide for your family, and once again i have no idea which direction i'm typing to, but basically if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for. ;)
there are so many people in the world that backslide in their relationship with God. people who drop out of college. people who make the hugest mistakes, people who cannot forgive others anymore, people who have given up on life. i hear about these people and i feel so afraid, so discouraged, i wonder, will i beat the odds? i am so afraid of who i will be in ten years. will i be the same girl with the same ideals, spunk, spark, joy, simply older and wiser with more means to acheive my dreams? i guess i just see the 'fall' of others and am so afraid that i would fall too. i suppose one of my biggest fears in life is this, that at 67 years old, i will look back and regret the way i lived my life. that even in ten years time, i will be a completely different person. to some extent, i like who i am now, and i hope that i will always be this person, i mean with more experience and wisdom la but you get what i mean. :S maybe all it takes to bring us back to our feet when we fall is to remember, really remember the person we wanted to be when we were young. i like that scene in mr deeds where he asked everyone what they wanted to be when they grew up (when they were young) and what they were actually doing then. it's so scary really, the way all of them, and so many more people in the world end up differently that who they dreamt of becoming. people end up succumbing to routines, wealth, power, the 'easy way out'. as we get older we tend to stop dreaming big and that's just so sad really. so i am glad i have this blog, for post after post is a reminder to me from me to become a good person when i grow up. :) i want 16 year old me to be proud of the adult me. :)
but this blog really has done a lot in my life, writing out all my emotions and thoughts has brought me so much closer to God and it makes me feel better too la. :D
as Pastor Cathryn talked about how she knew her calling was to be a pastor and how since then she hasn't had any regrets made me feel so amazed in a sense. she's there you know, already at the place she wanted to be when she was young, a place where she could impact others in the way God intended her to. and i wondered, when will i be where God wants me to be, who God wants me to be? i mean the truth is, and i know, that i am where He wants me to be and He's still molding me to be who He wants me to be. this interesting thought occured to me then, maybe we weren't born to be someone, but we're molded to become that someone. like, so often we hear people say "oh you were born to do this" and certainly some talents are inborn, but for the most part, becoming 'someone' i believe, takes more of God's hand working in our everyday lives than God's hand working in our genetic makeup. it is experience that teaches us new things, guides us, strengthens us and draws us closer to God. but what i'm talking about is when will i finally become a doctor that can serve God by my work? when can i go reach out to the poor, the lost, the sick? for now, i'm just a student and i feel so completely useless. i know God has a plan for me now and His own timing for everything, but wouldn't it be cool if i was already the adult in the profession of His choice, and able to serve so much more then? do you get what i'm saying? i think i'm starting to confuse myself too.
but one thing i found extremely cool was that everyone has different callings. that God equipped us all with different powerful gifts, and the keyword here is different. like for example, pastor cathryn was called to lead, inspire and encourage as a pastor, but i know for sure that i am not called to be a pastor or a prophet or a nun la really. so far my spiritual gifts are compassion and voluntary poverty, which varied from everyone else who took the test the same time as me. and now i'm thinking, man, God is so creative! no two people are alike, while the genre of His gifts and His callings may coincide, the paths these people will eventually take is different. which is cool. in conclusion, my God, is really really cool. :)
nowadays we wouldn't really help a sickly man by the side of the road, or a hitch hiker on the highway right? we live in dangerous times and at's quite sad lor really, that the potential danger in so many things rob people of that spontaneous, genuine kindness, if you understand me. i remember asking my sister once a long time ago if she would pick up a sick, wounded hitch hiker. she thought about it hard and finally answered, "hmmm, can la but i'm gonna make him tie his wrists together. if he needs a ride so bad he wouldn't mind!" that's what the world's come too really, danger lurking at every corner. which i suppose, makes it even more beautiful when people step out beyond the 'safe' boundaries, trusting God and God alone to protect them. isn't that incredible?
i had this really creepy nightmare recently and when i was half awake after it, i remember praying so hard for God to take away my fear and stuff. sounds bit weird now i guess, but it was a really incredible experience for me. cause i realized once again how blessed i am to have a God to turn to when i am afraid, and knowing for sure sure that He is big enough to protect me. that He is greater than any other powers on earth. over the next few days when i would get afraid again, i would remember that truly, Jesus is with me and no one can be against me. i find myself praying more lately, and i love it. i love how my devotions are getting back on track, which just brings me more in love with God really, He's been so real lately and i love Him so much more now. i really believe that the ever-increasing love we as Christians have for God can only become stronger by God. as in, He will give us the love for Him kinda thing? that's why i really like some of the bm praise and worship songs that are so sincere and honest. "ku mau cinta Yesus selamanya (i WANT to love Jesus forever)", and surrendering this desire to God patiently, i can gurantee that you will begin to love Jesus in a whole new way, more like the way He loves you. :)
pastor cathryn shared something really eye-opening today. she talked on luke 10:25-37, the story of the good samaritan who was a neighbour to the man in need as opposed to the priest and the Levite who simply walked past without doing anything. and all of us thought that we were definitely more like the samaritan than the priest and the levite. but then pastor cathryn quoted a book by gary holden, who spoke on how watching the news of terrible things across the world simply felt unreal. that though he was sad about it, it simply wasn't as real as if his family had been the one to get hurt, and it wasn't as real as if he was there himself. and man i so identified with that!!! then pastor cathryn said, how many of us can watch these horrid things going on in the world and still carry on with our lives unchanged, undisturbed, uncompassionate? and i went whoa.. never thought of it that way! but i'm brought to a place of frustration again, as i earlier mentioned. God's given me all the spiritual and emotional resources, but where i am now is just now suitable to be doing these works, helping other people in ways that i have only ever dreamed of. sigh, i don't have an answer here either except that i suppose God's teaching me to be patient, and perhaps to open my eyes even bigger to the needs of those around me.
"All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing."
- a quote by a famous person but i forgot who :P
sometimes we really just gotta stop thinking, and just take that leap of faith. JUST DO IT has a lot of truth and wisdom in it, SOMETIMES la.
OUG cg members are so nice!!! i love em all to pieces already la now!!! :D
love ya loads dear reader,
candice! :D
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