genuine

well firstly, i learnt that when you really start to accept people as they are and take them as they come, you will start to realize that they are all so so beautiful in their own way. really wan. :)

so, i was exhausted this morning from our girl's math session till 3.30am last night, at which time elena transformed into a zombie, and seriously freaked the life out of me and mich. we are still traumatized by her sleepwalking. :D

but anyways, our schedule today involved going to the SPCA to pass them our donation moneyy. so i went with adrian and sean, as everyone else was busy, on a road trip around kl!!! the drive to ampang was like an hour man, during which time i sang my heart and soul out for the two of them, but the only applause they would give were GROANS. hahah but apparently, they're used to my 'noise' so oh well! so off we were! giving the money to the SPCA and getting a receipt made me so happy!!! i just stared at the receipt smiling so much, feeling like we did a good thing today. so since we had some extra time, we decided to go to Hospital Kuala Lumpur too to drop off the other half of our collection to this myanmar girl with leukemia who needed money for surgery. gosh, as soon as we reached the hospital i started feeling so uncomfortable. the place was so sad, and i started to wonder how i will make it as a doctor, and actuallly reconsidered if medicine was the right choice for me. can i really deal with grief and pain everyday? just being there and watching ambulances come and go made me feel like crying already, somemore we went to the wards with so many sick children there. and i remember thinking, to be with them the same hyper, crazy, happy person though i am so sad on the inside will require mosre strength than i possess. and while i felt that i was not strong enough to be a doctor, i felt even more compelled to do this work. and it felt like nothing else in the world would ever have the same call on me as this. except maybe motherhood. but i really believe that all the emotions and compassion i feel for the sick, poor and in need, comes from God, that this is my spiritual gift. my strongest emotions are in this area, and somehow i've always felt for them more than others do, not that others aren't compassionate, but i think that God's just made me more passionate for this purpose.

sigh but, just seeing all the pain there made me so upset. these people weren't just sick, but some of them are really poor too, and it's gonna be so tough for them to survive. and i hated, absolutely hated the fact that i could be happy. that i can come back to a safe home, a happy life, good friends, rich school. that after a while i would start laughing again, but they would still be suffering, fighting,trying to pull through. the little girl, thla kom, her dad is working while taking care of her siblings for so little money, any they're trying so hard to simply survive. why do some lives turn out such and others differently? why was it that i was born into privilege, but they, refugees, are born into a life of danger, suffering and fear? there were a million other similar thoughts in my head then too, and i got really quiet and emo that i think adrian and sean were a bit worried. but adrian told me that we should be glad cause we did a good thing for them today, and as much as i want to, i can't save everyone. sigh, the whole visit just made me feel like we were so insignificant, thinking we were so charitable by collecting money for them, when seeing the need, we should in fact be continually collecting money. i realized today, that if you open your eyes just a bit bigger, that you'll realize there's so much suffering around you. suffering we most often choose to ignore. i guess the truth is, i don't know how to deal with the truth in adrian's words. because one day, when i am in the position to actually help people, i don't know how i will react then to knowing that i cannot save everyone i want to. my brains are just jumbled up now la.

anyways, so after that the guys wanted to go to the ramadhan bazaar near the car, so we went la, for my first ramadhan bazaar ever. cheered me up a bit, especially seeing the guys buy SO MUCH cempedak goreng! adrian was so tempted to eat them in the car as we were all stuck in the jam, but somehow he didn't la. and we drove back to college after dropping sean home, and i guess in some perspective, we drove back to 'reality' you know? sigh. i guess, i just don't know anything anymore. suddenly everything's become unclear, uncertain and as i struggle with who i am and what i can do, i'm just so stumped, feeling so helpless. EEYARGH, i'm so frustrated la.

a very confused and frustrated candice.